Anyway love: How God calls us to love our spousesWritten by Gary Thomas
What's inside this article
On Valentine’s Day, Alison* went all out, giving her husband, Peter,* his favorite candy and tickets to a hockey game. Later that night, she wrapped herself in a special outfit purchased just for the occasion.
Peter got her a card.
At the grocery store.
That he purchased on the way home from work.
He didn’t add anything to it, either. He just signed it, "Peter."
A couple of days later, Alison tried to explain that she felt a little taken for granted. Apparently, Peter misunderstood her intent because two months later, when they celebrated their anniversary, Peter didn’t get Alison anything.
"How could you not get me anything for our anniversary?" she asked Peter the next day. "Especially after our conversation about Valentine’s Day."
"Well, I thought about getting you something, but it didn’t work out," he replied. "And then I knew not to get you a card because you said you didn’t like that last time."
"It’s not that I didn’t like the card. It’s that the card alone seemed a little sparse. But even that is better than nothing. . . ."
Several months later, Alison had a birthday. This time, Peter got her a present — a kitchen tool set. Several weeks before, Alison had asked to borrow Peter’s tape measure and screwdriver. Peter figured that Alison should have her own small set of kitchen tools so she didn’t have to borrow his.
Alison recounted all this, then explained how she had tried to get her husband to read several how-to books on loving your spouse. He’d read the first few pages, lose interest and never pick the book up again.
"I’ve realized this is never going to change," she confessed. "But I love him anyway."
That last statement of Alison’s — "but I love him anyway" — is one of the most profound theological statements on marriage I’ve ever heard. Most of us base love on because, not on anyway. I love you because you’re good to me. I love you because you’re kind, because you’re considerate, because you keep the romance alive.
But in Luke 6:32-36, Jesus says we shouldn’t love because. We should love anyway. If we love someone because that person is good to us, or gives back to us, or is kind to us, we’re acting no better than anyone else. In essence, Jesus is saying you don’t need the Holy Spirit to love a man who remembers every anniversary — not just the anniversary of your marriage, but the anniversary of your first date and your first kiss. Any woman could love a man like that. Or if you love a wife who lavishes you with sports gifts, who goes out of her way to make you comfortable when you get home from work, and who wants sex anytime you do — well, you’re doing what any man would do. There’s no special credit in that!
But if you love a spouse who disappoints you, who can be a little self-absorbed — now you’re loving anyway. In doing that, you’re following the model of the heavenly Father, who loves the ungrateful and the wicked.
… Or anyway
Will you love only because? Or are you willing to love anyway? Will you love a man or woman who doesn’t appreciate your sacrifice? Will you love a husband or wife who takes you for granted? Will you love a spouse who isn’t nearly as kind to you as you are to him or her?
Just about every faithless marriage is based on because love. Christians are called to anyway love. That’s what makes us different. That’s what gives glory to God. That’s what helps us appreciate God’s love for us, because God loves us anyway. He gives and gives and gives — and we take Him for granted. He is eager to meet with us, and we get too busy to notice Him. He is good to us, and we accuse Him mercilessly when something doesn’t go just the way we planned it.
But God loves us anyway. To love anyway is to love like God — and to learn about God’s love for us.
That’s love, the way God intended it.
*names have been changed
© 2007 Focus on the Family (Canada) Association. All rights reserved.
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