Many couples have experienced their share of pitched battles and reluctant compromises. Spouses are hurting, and they want to stop hurting each other. Fighting hurts, even when opponents try to fight fair. But the more fights people engage in, the further apart they grow.
Maybe you’re like many other couples and have embraced a series of ideas about conflict in marriage. One idea – which we love – is this: Because everyone is different and unique, conflict is natural and unavoidable. We 100 per cent agree. We see it every day.
But there are other ideas about conflict resolution that are dangerous lies that destroy marriages:
- Because conflict comes naturally, spouses need to “fight” for what they believe in and want for their marriage.
- Since fighting is natural, and we love each other, we need to remember to “fight fair.”
- Because fights produce winners and losers, marriage means each of us will win some, and each of us will lose some. Such compromises are a necessary part of married life. You can’t always get what you want.
- It’s better for us to fight about important issues than avoid them altogether.
- Because fights can cause emotional distance, we must always make up afterwards, or we’ll just grow apart.
Embracing the truth
Everyone agrees: Men and women often disagree!
It’s a fact. Conflict in marriage is natural and unavoidable. We are different and our differences will bump. But that’s not the end of the story. In reality, conflict is one of the enemy’s favourite playgrounds to mess with couples, and fighting is his tool. Here’s why: The moment you and your spouse square off as adversaries, you’re sunk. The only real adversary of your marriage is Satan himself. He wants you dead, and he wants your marriage and family destroyed. But if he can get you to take your eyes off of him, the true adversary, and instead view your spouse as the enemy, he’s got you! You’ve played right into his hands.
You see, by design God created marriage, in essence, as a “team” sport. Thus, it operates by the same rules as any team. You either win as a team, or you lose as a team. There is no such thing as a win-lose outcome in marriage – ever! It’s purely an illusion from the pit of hell. That’s why Scripture so clearly states, “If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand” (Mark 3:25).
So “infighting” on the team only destroys the team and keeps it from being successful. It pits teammates against each other, when they’re supposed to be pulling together toward a common goal. That’s why we’ve totally rejected the idea of “fair fighting.” Fighting is fighting, fair or not. Fighting occurs between opponents. When teammates fight, in that moment they become adversaries.
The lie we’ve believed in marriage is that sometimes one wins while the other loses, and it all averages out over time. The truth is that if either one loses, they both lose! You win together or you lose together. Satan doesn’t want us to realize this, because once we see this simple truth, remember it, and operate accordingly, he loses us.
You can’t avoid conflict, but you must avoid fighting if you want your marriage to survive and thrive. Fighting is avoidable, and we recommend avoiding it whenever you can. It’s a horrible way of settling conflicts that can leave deep, lasting scars and hurts, and it assures that you never really win.
The healthy way to address conflict
Once couples find a healthy way to address marriage conflicts as teammates and friends, these episodes can help their love and intimacy grow. Healthy conflict management is an essential trait of thriving marriages.
For couples who experience continual combustible combat, we encourage them to move beyond fighting and find a better way to address conflict. To do so means to embrace these three truths:
1. Conflict is real because differences between partners are real (and good).
These differences are important and cannot be overlooked or swept under the carpet. God makes each of us unique, and then our varied family upbringing and life experiences teach us different lessons about what’s important.
When couples fight, these differences are often at the root of the conflict. But fighting about personal differences seldom helps, and often hurts. That’s because God created each one of you on purpose, and your differences are important to him, and they are meant to be of use and add value to your team.
All great teams are comprised of teammates with various strengths and weaknesses. But, as with all human beings, they don’t have the exact same strengths and weaknesses. Those differences allow them to thrive in certain roles better than others. Championship teams learn how to play to each other’s strengths and cover each other’s weaknesses, enabling them to get the most out of everyone and succeed as a team.
The very same is true of your marriage. Remember when you found your partner’s differences attractive and intriguing? Underlying that attractive intrigue is the often-unseen value of different perspectives, skills, and aptitudes you don’t personally possess; awareness and sensitivities you don’t have but may need; different experiences and knowledge; and much more. All you notice at first are those fascinating unique qualities. Smart teammates, though, are constantly looking for ways to capitalize on each other’s God-given gifts.
2. Good marriage partners aren’t combatants. They are members of the same team and must work together as one.
Once the team players are assembled, they need to work together. There will be a common goal to accomplish. When they are clear about the goal and apply themselves in the same direction, they can achieve amazing things. Unity, as we’ve discussed, is at the heart of oneness. However, when at odds with each other, little gets done, and we tend to go in circles.
3. Conflicting issues need to be addressed, but not through fighting.
We are not telling you to avoid real issues that naturally occur in marriage. Those issues must be skillfully managed.
What we are encouraging you to do is to make your marriage a “no-fight zone.” This means that combat as adversaries is not an acceptable way to deal with problems and challenges. As lovers and friends, you and your spouse should operate with love and respect, even when issues push our buttons and trigger your fears.
Since you want your team to succeed, and you know that if either spouse walks away from an interaction feeling as if they’ve lost, that means the team – both of you – lose. So, recognizing that you are teammates, you should commit to protect each other (and the team) by adopting a “No Losers” Policy. Simply stated, that means you will not settle for either person walking away feeling bad about the way things ended.
Seven steps to a win-win
You can spend your married life fighting or compromising. But why should you when there’s a much better alternative? Aim higher. Seek solutions you both feel good about. That’s what we mean by win-win. As Philippians 2:4 says, “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.”
Here’s how to start making win-win decisions:
1. Adopt the “No Loser” Policy.
Even though you may have bought into the idea that you are a team – you both win or you both lose – it’s worth reminding your spouse that you are on the same team and operating with a commitment to both winning. Try saying, “Before we begin trying to sort this out, I want to make sure you know that I won’t accept any solution until we both feel good about it. I want our team to win, so, how you feel is going to matter every bit as much as how I feel.”
2. “Heart Talk” the issue.
Since we’ve defined a win-win as a solution you both feel good about, it’s hard to arrive at that unless you take the time to find out how everybody feels. We told you that Heart Talk is not meant to be used to solve problems but is designed as a tool for understanding and connecting. When used in its purest form, that is true. However, in the context of problem solving it can pull double duty.
In this use of Heart Talk, you still want to care about the feelings, but you are also mining critical information. If you want to find a solution you both feel great about, you need to clearly know how you feel so you can make sure it’s accounted for. But it is every bit as important to really know how your spouse feels. In this case, the more of the emotional data you have, the easier it is to creatively find options you both like. You’re searching for what the “win” is for both people. An easy way to find the win for your spouse is to repeat back what he or she has already offered as a solution. Say something like, “Your solution is _________. What makes that important to you? If we did it your way, what could we accomplish? How would that help you? How would that make you feel? How would that benefit our family?” Keep asking questions to get below the surface and identify what your spouse really wants.
3. Pray for unity.
This powerful step serves two important purposes. First, we don’t ever want to try to overcome our challenges without the benefit of the Lord’s wisdom and guidance. Take your spouse’s hand and pray together, “Lord, we are not together on this. We are not on the same page. But we truly desire unity. Please help us find a solution we both feel good about. Thank you for being in the middle of this with us.”
But the wonderful added benefit here is that as soon as you pray together for God’s help, you have already restored unity, even before finding a win-win solution. Notice, you were not together before. It was “my ideas vs. your ideas, my feelings vs. your feelings.” However, now you join and ask God to help you find a solution you both feel great about. From this point forward the two of you are working together with God – unity is restored. All you need now is a solution.
4. Brainstorm your options.
This is the work step. Use any methods you can think of to find ideas and possibilities you both feel good about. Talk to people who’ve dealt with similar issues, Google it, get creative. Maybe you start by grabbing a piece of paper and writing down each other’s ideas. Don't be afraid to suggest “crazy” ideas. If they are truly crazy, you can throw them out later. But often, it’s some of the craziest ideas that lead to options that turn out to be brilliant. (You know, that was crazy, but it got me thinking about X.) If you have an idea rattling around in your head, get it out, and write it on your paper.
5. Evaluate options and choose one you both feel good about.
Remember, you’re not looking to settle or compromise but you’re hanging in there until both of you feel as if you’ve landed on a win-win.
6. Try it.
This step is essential. Just because it sounded like a win-win when you were talking about it, doesn’t mean it will feel like one when you try it.
7. Check back in and rework it, if necessary.
This process is another feedback loop, just like the Care Cycle. So, after trying the idea out, make sure you both feel good about how it’s going. If this solution is not working out for both of you, circle back and reassert your commitment to the “No Losers” Policy. Heart Talk what felt good and what didn’t. Pray for additional help. Brainstorm new options or tweaks to what you already had. Come with the new win-win, try it, and reevaluate. Don’t quit until you’re both pleased with the result.
What makes the win-win so powerful is that as believers, we serve a God who is committed to unity. He lives in a perfectly unified triune relationship: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. He wants unity with us and to help us walk in unity with each other. Sure, it requires faith to put the win-win solution to the test, but the process gives us the opportunity to watch God demonstrate his commitment to us. Erin and I have found this to be a faith builder for our marriage. We pray that you experience that growth as well.
Putting it all together
Write your own “No Losers" Policy. Maybe yours will sound like this: “We want both of us to feel good about all decisions, outcomes, solutions, and plans we make. We will not be content with, or settle for, either of us feeling as if we’re losing. We will seek understanding and resolution until we both feel good about the direction in which we are headed.”
