Cristy and Josh* began dating in their late 20s and by their early 30s they were walking down the aisle. They had been there when many of their friends got married in their early 20s and already knew of a few who were facing marital challenges.
They knew the reality of marriage – they had seen first-hand how quickly the “honeymoon period” faded in their friends’ relationships – so they wanted to go into their marriage fully prepared. That’s why they did as much premarital counselling and reading as they could. They followed Gary Thomas’ book Nine Essential Conversations Before You Say I Do and talked through different scenarios they may face in their marriage and how they’d want to respond to each.
On their wedding day, they had butterflies, but as Christians, they both knew God was at the centre of their relationship and they could trust him with the ups and downs.
Sadly, many couples go into marriage with a different mindset. Our culture offers compelling narratives for romance, leading many couples to believe those happy, blissful feelings on the wedding day are the measure of a successful relationship. So, when those feelings inevitably fade in the daily grind of life, they think their marriage is over.
This devaluing of the sanctity of marriage has left many wondering, What’s the point?
In their book I . . . Do? Why Marriage Still Matters, Canadian researchers Andrea Mrozek and Peter Jon Mitchell explore this very question. They explain that those who study marriage have identified a contemporary understanding that the marriage relationship is expected to lead to a sense of fulfillment and self-actualization. This is not surprising in our hyper-individualistic culture where one’s own personal happiness is the ultimate goal, but this “soulmate marriage” is not a sustainable model.
As they suggest, “If we were Hollywood producers pitching marriage as a movie to a big studio, we’d argue that our script isn’t a romance but a Tolkien-like adventure. Marriage is an epic journey with ups and downs, with the ultimate focus on the horizon.”
So, how can you avoid falling into the trap of the “soulmate marriage” and keep a healthy perspective on this precious relationship? By continually reminding yourself of a few important truths.
You will have good days and bad days; it’s not happily ever after.
In his book Sacred Marriage, Gary Thomas writes, “I think most of us who have been married for any substantial length of time realize that the romantic roller coaster of courtship eventually evens out to the terrain of a Midwest interstate – long, flat stretches with an occasional overpass.”
He goes on to describe the different reactions couples may have. They may end the marriage to try to find the romantic roller coaster feelings again with someone new. Or they may blame each other and become increasingly bitter about their spouse. Or they may just “stick it out” and become more like roommates than a married couple. But the best response, he argues, is to lean into this transition and find something deeper and more profound.
Describing his own marriage journey with his wife, Lisa, Thomas explains, “I slowly began to understand that the real purpose of marriage may not be happiness as much as it is holiness. Not that God has anything against happiness, or that happiness and holiness are by nature mutually exclusive, but looking at marriage through the lens of holiness began to put it into an entirely new perspective for me.”
If you expect every day of your marriage to be filled with joy and romance and personal happiness, you will be disappointed – because that’s never what marriage was designed to be. If, on the other hand, you see marriage as a journey and a daily opportunity to grow and learn and mature, to be stretched, to be reminded of your own need for God’s grace and forgiveness, then you will be much better prepared for the challenges that will inevitably come your way.
“Happy-clappy, romanticized versions of marriage are proving to be inadequate in the face of the inevitable challenges and hardships couples face,” Mrozek and Mitchell write. “Marriage is not happily ever after but involves sacrifice and hardship alongside joy and companionship. We need to be realistic about the highs and lows, and the commitment necessary to endure.”
As any fan of fiction will tell you, the stories filled with trouble and triumph, sorrow and joy, valleys and mountains are way more beautiful and compelling than the stories where everything is fine all the time.
All that being said, marriage is never meant to be an unsafe place for either husband or wife. These principles of finding beauty in the ups and downs of marriage should never be applied to situations of abuse, unrepentant infidelity, or ongoing addiction. If you are concerned this is present in your marriage, please contact Focus on the Family Canada’s counselling team at 1.800.661.9800 to book a free one-time phone counselling consultation.
While you’re each personally responsible for yourselves, you will have to share the load.
At Focus on the Family Canada’s Hope Restored marriage intensives, couples are taught the “Healthy Marriage Model.” In this model, a husband is not meant to fulfill his wife’s needs, nor is a wife meant to fulfill her husband’s needs. Each spouse is personally responsible for their own emotional, spiritual, physical, and mental well-being. As two whole, healthy individuals, they can come together in marriage without falling prey to codependency (the “you complete me” mindset) or estrangement (where spouses drift apart).
While each person is responsible for themselves, there is always going to be give and take in a marriage. Some people suggest a 50/50 split in marriage, but this kind of contractual thinking is unrealistic.
Mrozek and Mitchell suggest that the opposite of the “soulmate marriage” is the “institutional marriage.” While that can sound boring and even severe, it gives a more solid framework for the realities of marriage.
“There is not a contract in the world that can delineate all the responsibilities spouses will encounter over the course of their lives,” they write. “Institutional marriage anticipates that there will be trade-offs and sacrifices made for the other partner that will have future benefits for both. . . . Consider, for example, when one partner exits the workforce to acquire more schooling or training for the benefit of future family income. Rather than being constrictive, the permanence of marriage allows for greater creativity and opportunity.”
“Everyone says marriage should be 50/50,” Brené Brown, noted researcher and storyteller, explains1. “It’s never 50/50. Ever.” She explains that in her marriage, she and her husband, Steve, give quantifiers to help each other understand where they’re at. If one has had a hard day or isn’t feeling well and they’re only able to give 20 per cent that day, they say, “I’m at a 20,” so the other knows to cover the remaining 80. And the next day, it may shift back again where one person carries a little more than the other. “A partnership works when you can carry their 20 or they can carry your 20. And that when you both just have 20, you have a plan where you don’t hurt each other.”
You will change over the course of your marriage; so stay curious and always keep learning.
On your wedding day, you say “I do” to one version of your spouse. As you move through life, you will begin to see other versions.
“Marriage changes us,” Timothy and Kathy Keller write in their book The Meaning of Marriage. “Having children changes us. A career switch changes us. Age changes us. On top of everything else, marriage brings out and reveals traits in you that were there all along but were hidden from everyone including you, but now they are all seen by your spouse.”
If you think you and your spouse will remain the same two people who stood at the altar together, these changes will be jarring and may even feel threatening to the stability of your relationship. This is especially true if your identity is dependent on who they are – because when the changes inevitably come, your sense of self will be shaken.
On the other hand, if you both give each other space to evolve and change, you will be able to keep learning and growing – as individuals and as a couple. To be able to do this, you each need to be secure in yourselves – which goes back to the “Healthy Marriage Model.” When you’re a whole, healthy individual and your spouse changes – whether because of a career transition, becoming a parent, dealing with health challenges, or some other reason – you can look at them with curiosity, excited to learn and relearn who your spouse is.
Going on regular date nights, investing in your marriage through conferences and retreats, or working through books and video series are all ways you can continually invest in your relationship as you both change and evolve over the years.
Since you and your spouse will both change over the course of your marriage, it’s also important for you to have an anchor you can both come back to. That’s why having a shared foundation of your faith and trust in Christ is so crucial.
Your ultimate source of fulfillment is God, not your spouse.
In the “soulmate marriage,” Mrozek and Mitchell explain, you’re looking at your spouse to fill in the gaps of your sense of self. We’ve already looked at how problematic this can be, but the question many are then left with is, “Where does my sense of self come from?”
There are many temptations for where we put our identity – for some it’s in their marriage, for others it may be their role as a parent, still others find it in their career. All of these are important areas of our life, but none of them should be the ultimate.
The only reliable source of fulfillment that will sustain us through marriage problems, parenting challenges, and career transitions is our relationship with God.
“If I look to my marriage to fill the God-sized spiritual vacuum in my heart, I will not be in position to serve my spouse,” the Kellers write. “Only God can fill a God-sized hole. Until God has the proper place in my life, I will always be complaining that my spouse is not loving me well enough, not respecting me enough, not supporting me enough.”
When you are regularly praying, spending time in the Scriptures, and experiencing accountability in spiritual community, you are going to be a much healthier person in your marriage. No longer will you be pushed and pulled by the rise and fall of good days and bad days – God will be your constant. No longer will you expect your spouse to meet your needs – God more than fills that void. No longer will the changes in your spouse unsettle you – God will be your anchor. A strong spiritual foundation is everything.
“Some of us ask too much of marriage,” Thomas explains. “We want to get the largest portion of our life’s fulfillment from our relationship with our spouse. That’s asking too much. Yes, without a doubt there should be moments of happiness, meaning, and a general sense of fulfillment. But my wife can’t be God, and I was created with a spirit that craves God. Anything less than God, and I’ll feel an ache.”
Nearly ten years into their marriage, Cristy and Josh have faced their share of valleys, including challenging in-law dynamics, infertility, grief and loss, career changes, and more. They have also laughed together, leaned on each other, deepened their emotional intimacy, supported one another in their spiritual journeys, and experienced the gift of knowing and being known.
Less a rom-com and more a Tolkien adventure, they look forward to continuing to grow together in their marriage.
*Names changed to protect privacy
Reference to the individuals and organizations quoted does not constitute a blanket endorsement of either the individuals’ external work or their respective organizations.
