Why an abused spouse won't leaveWritten by Brenda Branson
What's inside this article
The answer given in the 1920s to this question was that battered women were of low intelligence or mentally retarded. In the ’40s it was determined that women did not leave because they were masochistic.
By the ’70s the experts claimed that a woman stayed in an abusive situation because she was isolated from friends and neighbours, had few economic resources, and was terrorized into a state of "learned helplessness" by repeated abuse.
Experts spent time, energy and government grants studying women and their problems, and by asking "Why do women stay?," they managed to blame the victims instead of doing anything to stop violent male behaviour.
Few people will ask, "What’s wrong with that man? Is he in jail? Is she getting adequate police protection? Are the children provided for? Does she need medical help, financial assistance or legal aid? Does she have a place to stay?" Instead of blaming the victim, why don’t we ask, "Why hasn’t this violence been stopped? What can we do to prevent it? Has the abuser been confronted and referred to a treatment program?"
Unfortunately, the first question that comes to mind is, "Why doesn’t she just leave?" When we ask that question first, we lose sight of the criminal and the crime and begin to place blame on the victim.
The fact is that many women do leave, and risk their lives doing so. However, those who choose to stay do so for the following reasons:
One day he worships her and places her on a pedestal. The next day she doesn’t meet his expectations and falls from grace. It is a long fall, and she can’t understand why he has changed from a loving, generous husband into a maniacal bully who delights in punishing her. A day or two later, he places her back on the pedestal and turns on the charm. This emotional up-and-down strategy keeps her off-balance and in a state of confusion.
She has every reason to be afraid. He has threatened to take the children away from her if she leaves, and she knows he will do it. He will lie in court and testify that she is not a good mother. If he does not get custody, he will kidnap them. In extreme cases, he will kill her and the children. "If I can’t have you and the kids, then I’ll make sure no one else will either."
She also fears the condescending and judgmental reactions of others who believe she is responsible for breaking up the family if she leaves. She may also fear offending God because she has been taught He hates divorce, and she is unaware that God also hates violence, and has great compassion toward those who suffer abuse.
She may feel responsible for the breakup of the family, or for the abuser’s behaviour. He has told her over and over that she is the reason he gets upset, and she believes the lie.
Shame and embarrassment
She doesn’t want to tell anyone because it is embarrassing to admit she has allowed herself to get into or stay in this situation. She is ashamed of making poor decisions, and failing to make her marriage work.
Need to protect abuser
Some women feel guilty for betraying the abuser. She believes he needs extra love and care because he has been wounded in the past. She feels it is her responsibility to help him become whole.
Disassociation from the pain
The abuser convinces her that the violence wasn’t as bad as she claims, or that it didn’t happen at all. Sometimes he accuses her of hitting him, even though she is the one with the bruises. Her body feels the pain, and she knows she has been hurt, but her mind tells her it really wasn’t that bad – ignore it – he won’t do it again – he promised to change – or if "I" could just change.
She denies the reality that the man she loves is capable of seriously hurting or killing her
Even though she knows he has hurt her in the past, she cannot believe he is truly an evil person because she would not choose to be with such a person, and she still really loves him.
It’s easier to deny abuse than to face making hard choices and an uncertain future
Most women face extreme financial, social and emotional hardships when they leave, and often find limited or no help available to them. Weak criminal justice systems offer no hope and have failed victims again and again.
She is ignorant of the facts and consequences of domestic violence
She believes the cause of violence is within her instead of within the abuser. She believes it is a temporary problem based on outside circumstances (like stress at work). She believes that once the stress is relieved the beatings will stop, or "If I lose weight, he’ll love me more."
She believes children need a father-figure, and doesn’t want her kids to suffer from divorce
Women who stay for this reason are not aware that children suffer much more long-lasting trauma by being in an abusive home than in a single-parent home.
She is blamed for causing or not leaving her predicament, but abandoned when she actually leaves
Doctors, therapists and clergymen don’t take the abuse seriously and send women back home. Some feel she got herself into this while others ask "Why doesn’t she just leave?"
She lives on false hope
She believes that if she tries a little harder or waits a little longer, things will change.
She may get killed!
A woman is at 75 per cent greater risk of harm from her abuser when she leaves.
These are just a few of the reasons why women stay. The real question is, "What can we do to help?" and "How can we make the violence stop?" Let’s stop blaming the victim and begin holding the abuser accountable!
Brenda Branson is a counsellor, author and public speaker. Visit her website at BrokenPeople.org.
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