What’s happening when your spouse pushes your buttons?
Conflict in marriage is inevitable, and it can actually be a good thing for your marriage if you manage it in healthy ways. Unfortunately, the old adage, “easier said than done,” applies when talking about conflict. In other words, it’s one thing to say that conflict can benefit our marriage – it makes sense in theory – but it’s another thing to go from a disagreement to connection.
Erin and I learned this lesson a few years ago while doing a marriage seminar in Tokyo, Japan.
The Meiji Shrine
We planned our trip so that we could spend a couple of days sightseeing before we spoke at the conference. As the travel planner, I (Greg) bought a great book on what to do in Tokyo. One of the most popular tourist destinations turned out to be a beautiful park called Meiji Shrine. It’s located in a dense forest that covers about 175 acres. There are several ponds, old bridges and paths that zigzag throughout the park. In preparation for our day trip, I thoroughly researched how to walk there from our hotel, which paths to take in the park for the best sightseeing spots, and a variety of other important information. I had this all worked out and planned perfectly.
However, it took us a long time to walk to the park because I got us lost a few times, so once we arrived at the entrance gate, we were exhausted. Once we got into the park, the path immediately forked. I had planned on us taking the “long way” through so we could see one particular bridge that overlooked a gorgeous pond – a perfect selfie location!
But, when we arrived at the fork, Erin and our 17-year-old daughter, Murphy, wanted to take the shortest route because they were already worn out from all the walking we’d done just to get to the park.
So, instead of following me as I turned down the path that I had mapped out, Erin and Murphy started walking the other way.
“You’re going the wrong way,” I cautioned.
“We’re tired,” they said in unison, “and this looks like the shortest route.”
“But this way is the more picturesque way and I want to have a family picture by the bridge and pond.”
“But we’re exhausted,” Erin responded.
“Fine,” I snapped, “let’s go your way.” And I started walking in their direction – the opposite way.
I think Erin and Murphy were stunned by my reaction. I really don’t think they realized how much I wanted to go the other way. So, once they realized how important the “scenic” route was, they started walking in that direction – my “planned out route.” However, I was already huffing and puffing down the shorter path not even looking back because I was angry with both of them.
I remember looking back at my wife and daughter thinking that they’d turn around and follow me. I’m sure they thought the same thing about me, “Surely Greg wouldn’t leave us and storm off mad.”
Sadly, my wife and daughter greatly underestimated my stubbornness!
Once I realized that they weren’t going to follow me, I really got upset and wanted to “teach them a lesson.” Since I had carefully studied the map, I knew that the two paths would eventually merge back together further into the park. So, I figured that I could angrily march my way for a while and then we’d meet up and the girls could then apologize. Remember, I still think I’m the one who’s been wronged!
My revised plan seemed perfect until the girls never showed up at the spot where the trails merged back together. I waited and waited until I realized something awful: My wife and daughter are lost – in a foreign country – without any money or clue where they were. I quickly surmised that I was in big trouble!
So, before I explain how this conflict could possibly have a happy ending – one that resulted in a deeper level of connection and intimacy – I want to explain an extremely important point about conflict. Like in our story, when you argue, it’s never really about whatever the issue or topic is that you’re fighting about (whether it’s money, household chores, children, sex, work, or whatever). These topics appear to be what’s driving the conflict but it’s an illusion. What is really happening during an argument is that your “button” gets pushed. I’m sure you’ve heard the expression, “He just pushed my button” or “She is totally pushing my buttons.” When we argue, picture one of those big buttons from Staples (the office product retailer), the Easy Button that says, “That was easy,” getting pushed. We all have Easy Buttons throughout our bodies. One author described it this way.
Everyone has “buttons.” They’re your tender spots, the places where you’re most sensitive, the points where you get irritated, or hurt, or angry, and have to react. Buttons are triggered by specific events or circumstances and typically take over and direct your behavior. They also carry a strong emotional charge when they’re activated, so that behavior is going to be emotional and extreme. There’s nothing rational or considered about a response that comes from a button. It’s pure emotion. You’ll know you were acting under the influence of a button when you regret what you did or said the moment you cool off. The words just popped out, you turned away and slammed the door behind you. You didn’t think about it until afterwards. At the time, it was simply what you had to do. That was a button. – Adrian Shepherd, LifeHack.com.
Buttons, feelings, and reactions
Buttons represent sensitive emotions that are easily triggered. We’re not talking about “simple” feelings like anger, worry, jealously, boredom or fatigue. Instead “buttons” are intense feelings and childhood wounds of which we are often unaware. Here are some examples:
- I am unloved
- I am disrespected
- I’ve been rejected
- I’ve failed
- I feel controlled
- I feel abandoned
- I feel inadequate
These emotional buttons stem from lies that have been written on our heart. Satan is the father of lies (John 8:44). Once a lie is written on our heart, it becomes a deep belief. The Bible describes it this way in Proverbs 23:7: “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.” And yes, the lies are magnified by our “default” settings – our sin nature and selfishness. Unfortunately, those lies affect how we see ourselves and interact with others. Here’s how author Shad Helmstetter describes it: “Year after year, word after word, our life scripts are etched. We believe what we are being told by others and what we are telling ourselves. Repetition is a convincing argument. In time we become what we most believed about ourselves.”
When the lies creep into a conflict with your spouse, stop and remember that it’s not the day-to-day squabbles that are driving conflict. The real issue isn’t money, chores, or in-laws. No, the real issue is that our sensitive emotions get triggered and stirred up. That’s what’s so misleading about most arguments. We get so focused on the topic (money, for example) that we miss the underlying root cause – the button that got pushed (“I feel like you’re trying to control me”). Once that button gets pushed, your heart closes instantly.
Here's a word picture to help you understand what’s happening when your heart closes. Have you ever seen a roly-poly bug? They’re the little gray bugs that roll up like an armadillo when they’re touched. Think of your heart as a roly-poly bug. When we feel emotionally “flicked,” our heart closes and rolls into a tight ball. You can’t force open a roly-poly bug’s body without killing it. It’s the same with your heart – or your spouse’s heart. You can’t pry it open. Over time, if a couple continues to practice unhealthy conflict, closed hearts will harden. Hard hearts – and unresolved, unhealthy conflict – can kill a marriage.
Whether or not you realize it, unhealthy conflict often follows a predictable pattern. A cycle. We call it the Reactive Cycle.
When we’re stirred up emotionally (our buttons get pushed) and our heart gets shut down, we are capable of saying or doing any number of things (reactions). Every reaction will either be a “fight” or a “flight." (In some cases, people choose a different reaction and “freeze.”)
Fight or flight
Do you fight back when your buttons get pushed? Fighters directly engage their spouse to persuade them in some way. They don’t back down or stay silent. They go “toe-to-toe” with their spouse or follow them around the house. They may even get angry, criticize, get sarcastic, yell, or throw a tantrum. Proverbs 14:17 paints a true, but unflattering picture of a fighter: “A quick-tempered person does foolish things.” It’s almost like a fighter thinks, “Since we’re not going to connect relationally, I might as well win the argument.” As a result, fighters spend most of their time defending their point of view. The problem with this interaction style is that it always sends the same message: “I’m not safe for any meaningful interaction with you.”
On the other hand, Flighters do just the opposite. They disconnect emotionally. We “fly” when we avoid conflict or withdraw when the conversation gets difficult. The key trait of a Flighter is a reluctance to get into a disagreement (avoidance) or stay with an important conversation (withdrawal). They don’t want to “rock the boat” so they “fly below the radar” or “stay out of the fray.” Withdrawal can be as obvious as walking out of the room or as subtle as staying put but “logging off” emotionally. A Flighter may withdraw by becoming silent or quickly agreeing to a solution just to end the discussion – but they have no intention of returning to the conversation. It’s not like they don’t talk or interact; instead, they avoid sensitive issues, work hard to minimize conflict and believe there is little gain from getting upset. Their motto is “Relax, problems have a way of working themselves out.” In avoidance mode, Flighters may use the phrase “agree to disagree” time and again – which means they avoid conversations they think will end in conflict. A person who chooses to “fly” and disengage always sends the same message: “I’m disconnecting from any meaningful interaction with you.”
Fighters, Flighters, roly-poly bugs and buttons
To recap, unhealthy conflict happens when:
- Your buttons get pushed.
- Your heart closes.
- You go into reaction mode (Fight or Flight).
The result? You can’t have a healthy conversation. Think back to the Reactive Cycle.
Nothing good ever comes from this unhealthy cycle. It can kill a marriage. And it’s the opposite of love. Love is patient, kind, and humble. A closed heart is filled with negative reactions that drives spouses apart. Sadly, when your heart is closed, God’s love no longer flows between you and your spouse. And this is exactly where Satan wants you – loveless, disconnected, and isolated. That’s why 1 Peter 5:8 warns us, “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls about like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”
Satan – your enemy – wants to devour you and your marriage. And all he needs is a foothold. Footholds appear when you and your spouse argue. The Bible tells us how to avoid creating footholds in Ephesians 4:26-27: “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” So, instead of staying in reaction mode when you experience conflict, use the disagreement to drive you and your spouse into deep levels of intimacy and connection. We’ll show you how.
Take the “Reactive Cycle” test
- Take the test at ReactiveCycle.com.
- Map out your unique conflict style.
- Plan time to sit down with your spouse and ask these questions:
- How was conflict handled in your home growing up?
- What lies have been written on your heart?
- What are your top two or three buttons?
- How do you fill in the blanks:
- “Sometimes when I feel [button], I [reaction], but what I really want is to feel [want].”
