How to care for your heart when your buttons are pushed.
What should you do when your spouse pushes your buttons? Before we answer the question, we’d like to set a few “rules of engagement.”
- We reject the idea that “the ends justify the means.” Many people believe – or act as if they believe – that it doesn’t matter how you get “there,” as long as you end up in a good place. The truth is that it’s impossible to calculate how much damage and pain has resulted from marital battles, regardless of whether the couple reached a resolution.
- We believe that how you get from point A to point B is every bit as important as where you end up. We challenge couples to work through conflict and differences with kindness and respect. Treat your spouse as someone you like (and even love!), instead of treating them like an enemy. In the long run, you can’t afford to have marital conflict lead to casualties.
- We’re not teaching “fair fighting” rules. You fight with an adversary. But your spouse is never your enemy! Your spouse is your friend and lover. Create a “no-fight zone” in your home. You still need to deal with conflicts and differences, but handle them with tremendous respect and care – as friends would.
Breaking the Reactive Cycle
To break the cycle of unhealthy conflict, it’s important to understand what couples normally do to stop the madness: they either try to correct their spouse’s behaviour or power through conversations. Both strategies are a complete waste of time!
Here’s what normally happens. (We’ll use ourselves as an example.)
When Greg’s buttons are pushed, he’ll typically try to get Erin to stop or change her reactions. Sure, it makes sense, but that strategy hurts both of us. And honestly, how much power and control does Greg have over Erin’s free will? None! So, to get Erin to change her behaviour, he’ll need to convince her to react differently. But the result is that Erin feels manipulated, criticized, and judged. In the process, Greg has become a manipulative, controlling person. That’s not how the Lord deals with us when we use our will poorly. And Greg doesn’t want to be manipulative.
So, what can we do – righteously and effectively – to break the cycle? Where does our responsibility and power lie?
The right way to change hearts
As a fully functioning adult, Greg is responsible for Greg. How he shows up in the moment, regardless of what comes at him, is ultimately what he will be responsible for when he stands before God. So, in the Reactive Cycle, Greg is responsible for how he feels (his buttons) and what he does (his reactions).
This is where his power lies. And the good news is that it only takes one person to stop the Reactive Cycle. Either Greg or Erin can stop the cycle without the other’s cooperation. Now that’s power! It’s what Matthew 7:3-5 describes: “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” In these verses, Jesus says that before you focus on your spouse’s “speck,” focus on the “plank” in your eye first. In other words, deal with yourself first.
In this context, we tell spouses that after their buttons have been pushed, their first response should be to work on their heart so that it can reopen. And when your heart is open, you can respond to your spouse instead of reacting.
Responding is a Christlike response because your focus is on listening, caring, responding, and understanding. It’s what King Solomon described in Proverbs 16:23, “A wise man’s heart guides his mouth.” An opened heart results in a healthy conversation.
So, how do you reopen your heart? Let me take you back to my Tokyo story.
I (Greg) ended up searching for Erin and Murphy for about 30 minutes to no avail. The longer I looked, the greater my worry and frustration mounted.
Finally, I found my wife and daughter as they exited from touring the temple shrine built for one of the Japanese emperors. By the way, the shrine tour was the whole reason that we had walked there in the first place – and they did it without me.
I was fuming!
“Where were you guys?” I shouted.
“Once you left us,” Erin sarcastically answered, “we just kept on walking. We assumed that you would eventually show up and apologize.”
“Apologize!” I reacted, “ME? You’re the ones who left me. We were supposed to do the tour together. Besides, I’m the only one who knows how to get home!”
At this point, we’ll spare you the rest of the conversation. We’re quite certain that you can imagine how our conflict quickly spiraled downward.
However, we hope you notice how pointless it is to attempt to work out the conflict as a couple before your hearts are open. So, in this type of conflict, instead of trying to talk it through as a couple, what is a better first step?
As we walked back towards our hotel in complete silence, we eventually followed Christ’s directive in Matthew 7 and we each stopped focusing on what the other person did or didn’t do – we focused on the log in our own eye and then created space between our buttons and reactions.
When we encourage people to “create space,” they think we’re talking about physical distance. Sometimes it’s helpful to step back from your spouse, but that’s not what we mean here. We want you to create space between your button and your reaction. The “extra space” gives you room to break the Reactive Cycle.
Think of it this way: the Reactive Cycle only continues when both people play. It’s like a game of Tug-of-War. Two people hold a rope and pull in opposite directions. But if one of them drops the rope, the game ends. The Reactive Cycle follows similar rules. If either person chooses to stop reacting, the cycle ends. Erin can’t continue the Cycle if Greg doesn’t play. She may continue to be upset, but the cycle has ended.
Now it may feel like stopping the cycle – refusing to react – takes superhuman strength. You’re right. It takes supernatural strength! But both spouses benefit when one of them stops the cycle. That’s because the Reactive Cycle is a “go nowhere” spin for a husband and wife.
The Care Cycle
Now that you know the value of creating space between your buttons and your reactions, you might be wondering how to do it.
The Care Cycle is a simple three-step process that can help you to manage what goes on in your heart when you are triggered, hurt, disappointed, or angry. This tool works no matter what your typical reaction is to your feelings. It works if you tend to get upset, if you easily become overwhelmed by your emotions, or if you’re more inclined to shut down and avoid.
The Care Cycle also works perfectly to help manage all aspects of caring for yourself. As you develop a skill with this tool, you can also handle your adult self-care responsibilities for your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being.
The goal of the Care Cycle is to make sure you always feel well cared for. It’s a process that helps you become the person God created you to be, invest those valuable assets trusted to your care, and then fulfill all he put you here to do – no matter what any person or circumstance throws your way.
The Care Cycle: Three steps
How does the Care Cycle work? It involves three steps.
1. Aware
Awareness means that you’re tuning in to the signals your body sends during conflict. Maybe your heart rate increases, or you start to sweat and then your shoulders stiffen with tension. Those signals let you know that negative emotions have kicked in and that you’ve entered the Reactive Cycle. Pay attention to these signals – become conscious that you’re triggered – so that you can make intentional choices to take good care of yourself rather than staying in a reactive state. And once you “wake up” to your emotions and become aware of them, you realize you’re in the Reactive Cycle. “Wow, I’m triggered, I’m in the Reactive Cycle” you might think. “Something is going on internally that needs my attention.”
Once you realize you’re triggered, choose to take a time-out. Instead of continuing to argue and debate the situation, you may want to move away from your spouse for a brief amount of time to de-escalate your stirred up emotions. This is exactly what King Solomon wrote in Proverbs 29:1, “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.” Instead of continuing to react (fight or flight), choose to keep yourself under control.
Some things you can do to de-escalate your pushed buttons might include:
- Breathing – taking deep breaths
- Exercising
- Taking a walk
- Cleaning the house
- Listening to music
- Praying
- Journaling
The key is to do something that calms you down. As you take a time-out, let your spouse know that you’re taking a break to get your heart back open. You’ll be back later to finish the discussion. Here’s an important note: This is not “withdrawing.” Withdrawal is a deadly “flight” reaction. Instead, calling a time-out suggests that you need a short break in order to continue the conversation. Research suggests you may need 20 minutes to calm down when your buttons have been pushed. And we’ve made it a rule that the person who calls the time-out should also be the one to restart the conversation – but only when both hearts are open.
2. Attend
Attend means it’s time to get to work. This step involves asking questions as you seek to understand yourself in order to devise a great self-care strategy. The goal is to come up with options you can do on your own so that you remain fully empowered.
Ask yourself the following questions:
- What am I feeling right now?
- What are these feelings trying to tell me?
- Where is this feeling coming from? Have I felt this way before?
- Is this feeling reminding me of something from my past?
- Do I believe something here that might not actually be true? What is the “truth”?
- What do I want here?
Next, welcome your feelings, even if you don’t understand them or they’re unpleasant. Feelings are God’s self-care data set. If you ignore or try to get rid of them, you’ve eliminated that data, and your ability to effectively care well for yourself is virtually gone. Instead, you’ll now say to yourself something like, “Okay, this feels terrible, but my body and emotions are talking to me. I need to figure out what’s going on and what I can do to make sure I stay well cared for, or I become useless to everyone.”
Ask anything you can think of to help you understand what’s going on, where it’s coming from, and what you want or need. Keep in mind that you’re working to develop a self-care plan, so more information tends to set you up better to succeed.
When we’re hurt and frustrated, our thoughts are racing with what the other person did or didn’t do. This is called “stewing.” We can’t stop stewing about how much we were wronged or mistreated. If we continue to think about them, we will stay stirred up. Remember Matthew 7:3, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” If you’re going to get your heart open, you must shift from thinking about your spouse to focusing on yourself. The way to make this important shift is to do what King David suggests in Psalm 4:4, “In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent.”
When you are in your time out, focus on your emotions – the voice of your heart. Ask yourself, "What button just got pushed?" But don't stop there. Name the button. Identify the emotion. UCLA professor Matthew D. Lieberman studied the power of putting feelings into words. His research shows that something as simple as naming the emotion significantly calms our "fight or flight" response. As you calm, your heart can reopen.
One quick note: One of the most profitable questions you can ask is: “Is there anything I’m doing that is turning up the volume, and/or causing these feelings?” The more you find here, the better. If you’re causing it, you can change it without any help from anyone else. That’s power!
Once you have a good understanding of what’s going on, shift your attention to crafting your self-care plan. The best self-care plans are ones that you alone can implement – you’ll feel well cared for and empowered. The plan should include the following steps:
- How to make yourself feel better
- How to set good boundaries
- How to talk to someone about a difficult or awkward situation
- What to do if the conversation doesn’t go well
- How to stay connected with God each step of the plan
Even though it’s your responsibility to care for yourself, God did not design you to do it alone, nor does he expect you to. Ask him for help. That doesn’t mean you ask God to do absolutely everything for you while you simply sit there. It means you’re asking him for help as you care for yourself. You are still maintaining 100 per cent of the responsibility for the job. But your prayer can be something like this: “God, I could sure use a hand here. Can you help me understand what’s happening in me and what responsibly caring for myself would look like here? I could sure use some extra strength, wisdom, insight, and patience because right now I’m feeling overwhelmed.
Back to Tokyo
After visiting the Meiji Shrine, as I walked in silence behind Erin and Murphy (in my self-imposed time-out), I started trying to put a name to what I was feeling. I tried to identify my buttons that had been pushed. I realized that I felt disrespected and unappreciated. Neither Erin nor Murphy was disrespectful, but I’d spent a lot of time in researching the attractions at the park. It was very stressful to be the one in charge of planning our trip. So, to me, it felt like they weren’t respecting or appreciating how much work I’d put in to figuring out the details.
This brings up an important reminder about our feelings. Two of the biggest mistakes we make with our emotions are to ignore them or act on them. Emotions are nothing more than information. But you should never act mindlessly on any information without evaluating it first. And the best way to evaluate your emotions and feelings (the buttons) is to take that information to the Lord. Seek his truth about your spouse and your situation. As humans, we are not the source of truth. The Scriptures are very clear that Jesus Christ is Truth. In John 14:6, Jesus tells us, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life.” If you try to determine the validity of your emotions and thoughts about your spouse, you are at risk of believing lies. Remember, you have an adversary. Satan is the father of lies (John 8:44) and wants you to believe lies about your spouse. During our trip to the Meiji Shrine, I believe he wanted me to see Erin as a disrespectful and unappreciative wife. But I don’t want his lies; I want the truth. That’s why I need to remember the Apostle Paul’s words in Colossians 3:2, “Set your minds on things above, not on things that are on the earth.” I want God’s perspective because he is the ultimate source of truth.
When my heart is closed, my view is distorted. I lack God’s insight, wisdom, and truth. I become like the people described in Ephesians 4:18, “They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts.” My response then should be to abandon my own conclusions about Erin and pursue God’s truth about her. And the good news is that God is faithful. He wants what’s best for you and your spouse. He is committed to restoring unity. “I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree, and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be united in the same mind and the same judgment” (1 Corinthians 1:10). God will give you peace that surpasses all understanding about your emotions and will help you see the truth about your spouse.
Finding the truth in Tokyo
As I walked back to the hotel with Erin and Murphy, God gave me clarity about my wife and daughter. They were tired. It was as if the words of John 8:32 came to life in that instant, “You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” The truth was, Erin and Murphy were tired. They weren’t trying to disrespect me. And once I realized the truth, my heart reopened, and I was ready to talk to them and restore our relationship.
I was also reminded of the importance of getting my own heart open before trying to talk through conflict with my spouse. The truth is that I – or you – can never have a Christlike, loving conversation until our heart is open.
As the three of us walked toward the hotel, I gently asked if we could talk about what happened. “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). I knew my heart was open and that I had a pretty clear sense of God’s truth. So, I asked them to help me understand what happened at the fork in the path – what it felt like when I walked off upset.
Erin said she felt “misunderstood” and “misjudged”. These were the buttons that got pushed for her. In the first place, she didn’t understand how important going the long way was for me. She thought that I was judging her for something that she didn’t even know about and that I did not take time to understand how much her feet were hurting. Once she realized that I really wanted to go the scenic route, she had then wanted to please me. But when I walked off upset, she felt confused, misunderstood, and judged.
And now that my heart was now open, I was able to validate the feeling she expressed. If my heart was still closed, typically, I would again begin to defend my actions. If this is the case for you, start over with step one–a time-out. The important thing to realize is that “it’s worth it!” The conversation will never go anywhere helpful or satisfying because ultimately a closed heart will just do further damage to the one you love most!
As for Murphy, she felt controlled and abandoned. Murphy has such amazing strength, and she is independent just like Erin. I love this about my wife and daughter. But when I tried to get Murphy to go the longer way, she felt I was trying to control her. And then when I stormed off, she felt that I abandoned her. Wow! I had no idea that Murphy would feel abandoned by me.
Once I listened, understood, validated, and empathized with Erin and Murphy, their hearts softened towards me. They asked why I had left in the first place. It felt great to have them validate and appreciate the difficult job of being a tour guide. And then the three of us stood hugging in the middle of the sidewalk in downtown Tokyo. I’m sure we received some strange looks and interesting comments: Those crazy Americans!
A final word about awareness
You can’t erase or do away with your buttons, but you can deal with them in a healthy way by discerning when they are pushed and then learning to keep from raining down anger and insults on the person you love and the relationship you care so much about.
Once you have God alongside, if needed, you can allow another person to help. God created us as communal beings. We often function better in supportive teams of friends, colleagues, and your spouse. But in every situation, remember that as an adult, you must maintain full responsibility for the job. Support people are just volunteers – including your spouse!
3. Act
The best-laid plans only work when they are fully implemented. So, make sure that what you do internally and toward others is done with integrity. Keep Proverbs 15:18 in mind: “A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel." Integrity means you’re acting in ways consistent with the person God designed you to be, which also means you’ll be respectful and considerate of those with whom you interact.
Putting it all together
So, that’s the three steps – aware, attend, act. But that’s not the end. These three steps are called the Care Cycle because they function as a feedback loop.
Let me leave you with an idea about conflict from my father Dr. Gary Smalley from Secrets to Lasting Love:
Conflict is inevitable in relationships. It rears its head in even the healthiest, most deeply intimate of marriages. It is how you handle conflict that will determine how it affects your relationship, for better or for worse. Again, the most important aspect is not how much you love each other or how committed you are to your relationship or the strength of your faith; optimum relationships depend on how adeptly you handle conflict. Every instance of conflict represents two divergent paths: you can use it to either grow together or grow apart. Open the door. Walk through – and you learn more about the delights of marriage than you ever dreamed possible.
I love that thought: We can use conflict to grow closer together or further apart. You have the same choice. You can use unproductive patterns of dealing with conflict or use the Care Cycle to go to the deepest levels of intimacy and connection – to the place the Apostle Paul described in Ephesians 4:31-32: “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”
The choice is yours!
