As a result of nearly 30 years of various anti-bullying initiatives, most kids know it’s not socially acceptable to be a bully. Schools have adopted a zero-tolerance policy for bullying, and students understand that being a bully will result in immediate disciplinary action from their teachers. Crisis averted!
Or is it? Parents today know that bullying is still around, even though most kids would be able to rattle off what bullying is and why it is wrong. So, how is it still happening?
Understanding covert bullying
Alyssa,* a grade eight student, enters a crowded cafeteria. She locates her friend group at a table. The chatter pauses briefly when she sits down, and the other girls share a quick glance between themselves. When the conversation drifts to Alyssa, the friends – with over-the-top enthusiasm – begin to ask her about the obscure TV shows she watches and the alternative bands she listens to. They tell her she’s “brave” for liking such unconventional things. Alyssa can sense that her friends might be making fun of her interests, but knows it will make things awkward if she confronts them.
Tyler,* an extroverted tenth grader, is part of a large group of friends. It becomes an inside joke to take photos of him when he isn’t looking – through windows, in class, and even on his front driveway. Tyler’s close friends make an Instagram account called biggest_tyler_fans to post these sneaky snapshots. For several weeks, Tyler laughs along with his friends, not wanting to cause tension. When Tyler finally admits to his friends that he finds the account embarrassing, they tell him to learn to take a joke. Later on, a teacher confronts Tyler’s friends about the account, and they assure her that it’s just harmless fun and that Tyler is in on it.
Zoe* just switched to a private Christian school after being overtly bullied at public high school. She quickly finds a group of welcoming, church-going friends and confides in them about her crush on a classmate. The friends encourage Zoe to tell her crush how she feels. After the boy turns Zoe down, the friends shower her in support and words of affirmation: “I can’t believe he didn’t want to go out with you!” When Zoe asks her friends if they set her up to humiliate her, they are appalled. They tell her she’s overreacting, and she sheepishly apologizes for accusing them.
In each of these scenarios, there is no unkind word spoken, no act of violence, no explicit exclusion from the group, yet all three of these children are targets of covert bullying – an invisible yet immensely wounding type of bullying.
Covert bullying is bullying that’s not obvious. It is subtle mistreatment under the façade of a healthy relationship or friendly interaction. It can manifest in many different ways, such as:
sarcasm or joking that goes over the target’s head,
baiting the target to say or do something humiliating,
passive aggressive or backhanded comments directed at the target,
inside jokes about the target,
setting the target up to fail,
or using body language to belittle the target.
Unfortunately, this type of mistreatment is more common than people might think. A 2009 study at Edith Cowan University in Australia found that 35% of students in year 9 (age 14-15) have experienced covert bullying.¹ A study published by Cambridge University Press also pointed out that covert bullying is seen predominantly in girls’ social circles (although it can happen among boys too).²
Covert bullying is not just a one-time incident where your child’s earnest friend says something sarcastic or lets a joke go too far. A well-meaning friend hurting your child’s feelings doesn’t automatically mean that friend is a covert bully. Instead, covert bullying is repeated, intentional, and subtle mistreatment that the bully is purposefully trying to render invisible to others.
What makes it so invisible?
Because a majority of anti-bullying frameworks try to prevent overt bullying (such as name-calling, physical violence, rumours, or exclusion), covert bullying has managed to continue relatively unnoticed in the midst of Canada’s many anti-bullying movements.
Oftentimes, targeted children lack clear evidence that their peers are bullying them and may wonder if they’re simply overreacting or being too sensitive. A covert bully usually appears to be the target’s friend. There is no physical injury, damaged property, or stolen lunch money for the target to use as proof. There isn’t even a cruel text message or mean nickname to bring to adults as evidence of their mistreatment. As a result, targets may doubt whether they’re being bullied at all.
Because the mistreatment happens under the radar, teachers may struggle to spot covert bullying. If a teacher catches on to the concerning behaviour, the covert bully can feign innocence to evade consequences. A covert bully will make all sorts of excuses for their behaviour, and many of them seem like a reasonable defense at first glance:
“It was just a joke – even [the target] thought it was funny!”
“I was just being honest!”
“I didn’t even say anything bad!”
“I was just trying to be nice!”
Unfortunately, covert bullies are usually good at feigning innocence, both to their teachers and their targets. That’s what makes covert bullying so invisible – what first seems like harmless jokes and friendly interactions is actually the bully trying to sway the social dynamic against their target without saying anything overtly cruel that could get them in trouble.
Helping kids spot covert bullying
When kids think of a “bully,” they’ll probably picture a jock pushing kids into lockers or a mean girl telling someone that she can’t sit at her lunch table. Because overt bullying is more visible – both on TV and in real life – kids may not view covert bullying as bullying at all. It’s crucial to teach kids that it’s never appropriate to try to make someone feel bad on purpose, even if you do it without violence or unkind speech. Make sure your children understand that bullies don’t always look like the stereotypical bullies from TV.
To help your child spot covert bullying, teach them to look for these clues:
sarcasm that’s meant to wound,
nonverbal communication that isolates,
attempts to make the target humiliate themselves,
an inside joke that has gone too far,
and the student(s) responsible pretending the behaviour was innocent.
It might also be helpful to show your kids the flipside – how a true friend should behave – to give them a standard to hold their so-called friends to. True friends will:
show interest in your life that leaves you feeling accepted,
make you feel like you’re part of the group,
steer you away from situations that would embarrass you,
keep jokes light and positive,
include you with their body language,
take accountability when they hurt your feelings,
and change their behaviour if it’s damaging the relationship.
Standing up
There’s a lot parents can do to help kids stand up to covert bullies, no matter if their child is the bully’s target or simply a bystander who’s noticed the unhealthy situation. First of all, your child needs to know that they must tell their school about covert bullying, even though the bully will probably pretend to be innocent. Teachers can usually notice when there is an unhealthy dynamic in a friend group, even if they don’t know the extent of it. Your child coming forward to describe covert bullying will let teachers know the severity of the situation and allow the school to make a plan to help the targeted student.
Parents should help their child prepare to have this conversation with a teacher or school counsellor – that goes for both parents of targets and parents of concerned bystanders. If your child is nervous to speak up, encourage them to write an outline to keep them on track. Guide your child to use descriptive, factual language to report what the bully is doing and why they believe the bully’s behaviour has intent to harm. Steer your child away from offering their own opinion or including all the messy details, and reassure your child that they’re not being a tattletale when it comes to an offense as serious as bullying. If your child is worried about saying the right thing, you could write out a script or roleplay the conversation with them until they feel ready.
If your child is a bystander in the situation, teach them to stand up to covert bullying by being a true friend to the target. While it may not be wise for your child to confront the covert bully about their behaviour (that’s the responsibility of the school and the bully’s parents), you can equip your child with strategies like changing the subject or refusing to partake in the mistreatment. Encourage your child to show kindness to the target even when it’s unpopular, or to invite the target to do something fun outside of school. For many bullied children, having a true friend is a lifeline that makes all the difference.
For parents of bullied children
One of the most heartbreaking scenarios for a parent is when their own child is the target of covert bullying, or even worse, when their child does not realize that they are the butt of the joke. In this scenario, it’s the parent’s job to inform the school of what they suspect is happening and to be their child’s true friend and advocate.
Parents of targeted kids should make an effort to place their child in healthier social circles, whether that means encouraging youth group attendance, enrolling them in an extracurricular that involves their unique interests, or organizing a get-together with another family that has kids the same age. Even if your child does not understand that they’re being covertly bullied, they will feel better about themselves after spending time with peers who are not bullies, and may naturally gravitate towards these new, healthier relationships.
It’s important that parents of targets help their child work through the emotional hurt that the mistreatment has caused. Being the target of covert bullying is an extremely damaging experience – it can result in feelings of isolation, humiliation, poor self-esteem, insecurity in relationships, and doubting one’s own perception of reality. These painful experiences in childhood can leave scars that last well into adulthood.
If your child is the target of covert bullying, make sure you’re having regular emotional check-ins with them. Help them to work through the hurt by being a listening ear and eager cheerleader. Don’t hold back your verbal encouragement, loving affection, and affirmations of your child’s worth – they will need to hear these things from a parent to begin working through the devastation of covert bullying. In addition, discuss with your child the practical steps you, as the parent, will take to stop the mistreatment: alerting the school, helping to seek out new friends, praying for the situation, and keeping an eye on the school’s response. Read more here about what to do when the school is not responding to bullying reports effectively.
Covert bullying is widespread, difficult to identify, and immensely damaging to the targeted child – but that doesn’t mean it’s a hopeless situation. When parents and their children understand what covert bullying is, how to spot it, and what strategies they can use to tackle it, they can stand up to covert bullying and make a difference in the life of a targeted child.
If you are struggling in this area and need to talk to someone, Focus on the Family Canada’s counsellors offer a free, one-time phone consultation to help you figure out your next steps. They can also refer you to a counsellor in your area. Call 1.800.661.9800 Monday to Friday, 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. Pacific time, to get help.
*Names have been changed.
1. "The Australian Covert Bullying Prevalence Study," Edith Cowan University, February 2010.
2. "Silent struggles: the untold story of bullying among girls," Cambridge University Press, July 2, 2025.
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