When two people feel safe and secure, they relax and open their hearts.
Next to our relationships with Jesus Christ, keeping our hearts open is the most significant relationship truth we’ve learned over the past 30-plus years of marriage. A soulmate marriage is only possible when hearts are fully open to each other. It’s exactly what the Apostle Paul was saying to Corinthian believers in 2 Corinthians 6:11-13, “We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians, and opened wide our hearts to you. We are not withholding our affection from you, but you are withholding yours from us. As a fair exchange – I speak as to my children – open wide your hearts also" (NIV). The phrase “open wide your hearts” sounds like a wonderful idea, but the truth is, it’s easier said than done. It’s risky to open your heart to someone – even someone as close to you as your spouse.
What makes it so risky? Love requires vulnerability. And that’s the ultimate dilemma in marriage. To reach the most profound connection with your spouse, you have to give him or her access to the most vulnerable part of you – your heart. The risk is that there’s no guarantee how your spouse will handle your heart. Will you be unconditionally loved and accepted? Once your spouse sees “the real you” – all your flaws, imperfections, embarrassing stories, and past mistakes – will they still love and cherish you?
When your spouse rejects the “real you”
We all long for love and acceptance, but we’ve learned the world is full of pain and heartache. We all have emotional bruises and relationship scars from the past. We all have placed our trust in people who have hurt us. This damage causes us to develop strategies to keep from getting hurt again. Maybe your strategies include one or more of the following:
- Building emotional walls.
- Maintaining shallow relationships.
- Using humor as a distraction.
- Spending hours on social media or in video games to avoid in-person conversations.
- Using anger to keep others from getting close.
- Turning to food for comfort.
- Existing in a sexless marriage.
- Hiding your feelings.
If you or your spouse uses one of these strategies, the problem isn’t always the lack of desire to connect. Instead, it usually has more to do with the fear of being hurt, rejected, or abandoned. Unfortunately, the strategies we use to avoid hurt wind up causing more hurt and pain in our marriage. Those strategies cause our hearts to close and leave us feeling isolated and lonely.
When hearts close, it’s often because someone feels unsafe. Your past experiences may have trained you to close your heart. You think you won’t get hurt if no one can get past your defenses. And sometimes the pain, fear, and unsafe feelings come from the person closest to us – our spouse. It’s difficult to open your heart when your marriage feels strained because of a spouse’s behaviour. Instead of a marriage that feels like a haven, you feel apprehensive or stressed.
Over the years, we’ve asked couples about those stressful feelings. We wanted to know what causes the apprehension and fear. Here are some of the answers couples have given:
- Criticism
- Physical threats, intimidation, or abuse
- Feeling “put down” or belittled
- Feeling unloved, rejected, or abandoned
- Feeling unappreciated
- Being ignored
- Sarcastic, hurtful comments
- Verbal attacks
- Anger
- Broken promises
- Constant nagging
- Having past mistakes brought up repeatedly
- Being deceived
- Betrayal or infidelity
When these attacks happen, your first response is to close your heart. In that moment, your heart closes – and like a turtle that disappears into its shell at the first hint of danger, you withdraw from your spouse and seek safety in the sealed shell of your heart.
There’s just one problem with closed hearts. The longer your heart remains closed, the more likely it is that it will slowly fossilize or harden.
A hardened heart is the real destroyer of marriages. Every failed relationship stems from a hardened heart. That’s what Jesus described when he was asked about divorce in Matthew 19:8, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard." Jesus then explains that this was never part of God’s plan. “But it was not this way from the beginning.” God’s perfect plan for our marriage is the exact opposite of hardheartedness. It’s about two open hearts.
Creating a safe marriage
Love is risky. There’s no guarantee that we won’t get hurt. So, how do we create deep connection with our spouse despite the risks? You create an environment that encourages hearts to open. Your marriage should feel like the safest place on earth.
How do you create “the safest place on earth” – a place where your hearts open and you can be accepted for who you are?
We encourage you to look at the relationship God offers each one of us. God is passionate about you. He desperately wants a personal relationship with you. In fact, he sent his son to die for you so that you can spend eternity together. This is love. Perfect love. And God’s love is a safe, welcoming place. Scripture makes this clear:
The name of the LORD is a fortified tower; the righteous run to it and are safe. (Proverbs 18:10)
Keep me safe, my God, for in you I take refuge. (Psalm 16:1)
In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, LORD, make me dwell in safety. (Psalm 4:8)
Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe. (Proverbs 29:25)
The God of this universe goes out of his way to make you feel safe. He wants your heart open so you can receive his everlasting love and so you can love him wholeheartedly.
Now, take God’s love and live it out in your marriage. Create an environment where your spouse feels safe and where their heart can open fully. In their book Love and War: Finding the Marriage You’ve Dreamed Of, authors John and Stasi Eldredge explain it like this:
Marriage is the sanctuary of the heart. You have been entrusted with the heart of another human being. Whatever else your life’s great mission will entail, loving and defending this heart next to you is part of your great quest. Marriage is the privilege and the honor of living as close to the heart as two people can get. No one else in all the world has the opportunity to know each other more intimately than do a husband and wife. We are invited into their secret lives, their truest selves; we come to know their nuances, their particular tastes, what they think is funny, what drives them crazy. We are entrusted with their hopes and dreams, their wounds and their fears.
When you consistently demonstrate that your spouse is safe, they relax and open their heart. In this open state, connection occurs effortlessly. You don’t have to force closeness or do things to create intimacy. Your spouse already feels safe.
God designed our hearts to be open. It takes more effort and energy to keep your heart closed and locked behind an emotional wall than it does to keep your heart open to your spouse. But we are conditioned to shut and lock our hearts when we feel unsafe. Just think about a time when your spouse hurt or frustrated you. Remember how quickly your heart closed and how quickly you disconnected? Now think about a time your spouse apologized, took responsibility for their actions, and sought forgiveness. Remember how easy it was to reopen your heart and reconnect? What if your heart felt that way all the time? Is it possible for you and your spouse to keep your hearts open – even during the difficult seasons of life?
The keys to a safe marriage
The key to creating a marriage that feels like the safest place on earth is found in Ephesians 5:29: “For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church.” Creating a safe marriage involves both an attitude and an action. In a safe marriage, the attitude is called cherish and the action is called nourish. Both are needed to create a safe environment where hearts can open.
Cherish: Recognize your mate’s incredible value
The primary attitude that helps your spouse feel emotionally safe is when he or she believes you understand how incredibly valuable they are. That feeling is the essence of honour. Honour is the decision we make to view our spouse as a priceless treasure – a person of high worth and value. King Solomon described it this way in Proverbs 18:22: “A man’s greatest treasure is his wife.”
Honour isn’t based on your spouse’s behaviours. It’s not subject to our emotions. It’s a decision you make and a gift you give. You grant your spouse a place of value whether they want it or deserve it. The Apostle Paul encouraged the early Church to do this in Romans 12:10, “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor.” Paul’s instructions are also good marriage advice! What’s more, God has already attached great value to your spouse. Read these Scriptures to see just what God says about your spouse – and you.
"You were made in my image.” (Genesis 1:27)
“I chose you when I planned creation.” (Ephesians 1:11-12)
“You are fearfully and wonderfully made.” (Psalm 139:14)
“You are my treasured possession.” (Exodus 19:5)
“You are my glorious inheritance.” (Ephesians 1:18)
“You are my masterpiece.” (Ephesians 2:10)
It’s amazing to think that the God of this universe considers my wife his treasured possession and that Jesus calls her his glorious inheritance. She is God’s masterpiece! However, when we are in a Reactive Cycle [AV1]and our hearts close, the first thing I let go of is my awareness of her incredible value. And in those moments, when I fail to see her as God sees her, I create an unsafe environment for our marriage. When I lose sight of her value, when I’m not cherishing her, I’m more likely to treat her with dishonour. No wonder she puts up a wall to protect herself. I’ve become unsafe.
To recap, honour – cherishing your spouse – is an attitude that creates a safe marriage. Marriage expert John Gottman says that “without honor, all the marriage skills one can learn won’t work.” Another marriage expert, Scott Stanley, says it this way, “Honor is the fuel that keeps the lifelong marriage loving and functioning. If only a spark of respect or adoration remains, the spark can be turned into the flame in a few days.”
Your heart will be open to what you value. As Luke 22:34 says, “Where your treasure is, so there will your heart be also.” Our hearts will open to and pursue only what we truly cherish.
Create a cherish list
List the things you value about your spouse. For example, you may list a character trait, faith practice, values, morals, or parenting skills. Maybe it’s a personality trait or a physical attribute. Keep this list close so you can regularly add to it and review it when you need to remember your spouse’s value.
Don’t keep the list to yourself! Share it with your spouse so that he or she knows you recognize their incredible worth.
Nourish: Treat your spouse in valuable ways
As wonderful as it is to cherish your spouse’s incredible worth, attitude without action is meaningless. The Bible – James 1:22 – tells us to put our words and attitudes into action. “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.” Once you recognize your mate’s value, you need to back that attitude up with action.
Understanding your mate’s incredible value is the beginning of safety, but to create a marriage that feels like the safest place on earth, you must express honour through action and behaviour. “Let us not love with mere words or tongue but with actions and in truth.” (1 John 3:18) Honour in action means that you’ve learned how to handle your mate’s heart – their deepest feelings, thoughts, and desires – with utmost care. It might even help to visualize a tattoo on their heart that says, “Handle with care.”
With that image in mind, let’s review the meaning of emotional safety: Feeling free to open your heart and be fully known, and trust that, as an imperfect person, your spouse will unconditionally love, cherish, and nurture you for a lifetime. The last part of that definition communicates a powerful message: “You are incredibly valued so don’t be afraid of letting me see your heart. You can share your deepest feelings, thoughts, opinions, hopes, dreams, fears, hurts and memories … and I will still love and accept you.” Safety in action means handling your spouse’s heart in extremely careful and honouring ways.
Now, let’s turn this thought into action. 1 Peter 3:7 puts it this way: “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honour.” One of the greatest and most practical ways to nourish our spouse and “show honour” is to understand what helps your spouse feel loved.
To nourish your spouse’s relational desires, you’ll first need to stop and realize that everyone’s desires are different. Desires are based on personalities, interests, biological sex, backgrounds, and expectations. So, before you can nourish your spouse, you need to know what makes them feel loved. But remember this: you can’t guess what your spouse might want – or treat them the way you want to be treated. Don’t apply the Golden Rule here! Why? Your guess might miss the mark or your “love language” may be very different from your spouse’s.
How do you “discover” your spouse’s love language or relational needs? Ask your spouse to finish this statement: I feel loved when we…
Your spouse’s answers might sound something like this:
- I feel loved when we remind each other of our lifelong commitment.
- I feel loved when we pray together and share a deep faith.
- I feel loved when we communicate.
- I feel loved when we spend time together.
There’s just one important thing to remember about these answers. They’re not static. They may change from time to time as you and your spouse grow closer together. So, keep this list up to date. Add to the list as you move through different seasons of life. Your spouse’s needs may change if you’re rearing children, moving to a new city, changing jobs, or dealing with health issues. Update this list to stay current with your spouse!
Create a nourish list
Plan a date night or make time to sit down with your spouse and ask them to complete this sentence, I feel loved when we…
Once you’ve completed the list, make an intentional commitment to put those ideas into action.
Putting it all together
We’ll say it one more time: In order for closeness and deep connection to occur, hearts must be open. Thus, the foundation of a soulmate marriage is feeling safe – physically, intellectually, spiritually, and emotionally. This is why the Bible tells us in 1 Peter 1:22, “Love one another deeply, from the heart.”
A heart will open only when it feels safe. So, create a marriage that feels like the safest place on earth. Follow God’s lead and focus on establishing grace, patience, compassion, and a lifelong commitment to your marriage.
