The most powerful way to be seen and known (true intimacy) is through Heart Talk.
Breaking the Reactive Cycle starts with personal responsibility – dealing with you first by using the Care Cycle. This idea is based on the passage of Scripture that says we are hypocrites because we focus on the speck of dust in our spouse’s eye instead of removing the log in our own eye. But notice the next part of Matthew 7:5, “then you will see clearly to remove the speck from the other person’s eye.” We are told to get the log out of our own eye first so we can then respond to our spouse. An important part of personal responsibility is getting your heart open so you can then communicate. After all, a marriage will only be as good as its communication.
However, before you attempt to talk after spending time in the Reactive Cycle, you need to make sure that your heart is open. This is why King Solomon wrote, “The heart of the righteous weighs its answers” (Proverbs 15:28) and “a wise man’s heart guides his mouth” (Proverbs 16:23). There is even an old African proverb that says, “Just keep your heart open to them as you speak your truth.” All this advice points to one truth: Healthy, productive communication requires open hearts.
Is your heart open?
Jesus’ words in Luke 6:15 are powerful advice for married couples. “Out of the abundance of his heart his mouth speaks.” It’s also a reminder that before we talk to our spouse after a time of unhealthy conflict, our heart needs to be abundantly full of God’s love. And the only way to fill our heart with love is to open it to God and allow him to fill it. This is why the Care Cycle is important. It makes us safe to respond to our spouse.
So, how can you tell if your heart is open? As we’ve carefully studied the heart, here are some classic signs that a person’s heart is open and ready to respond:
- Gentle and tender with words and actions. A closed heart is calloused and rough.
- Emotionally connected. A closed heart is disconnected.
- Interested, focused, and attentive. A closed heart is self-focused.
- Unselfish, considerate, or thoughtful. A closed heart is selfish.
- Sensitive, compassionate, and caring. A closed heart is insensitive and uncaring.
- Good eye contact. A closed heart avoids eye contact.
- Positive body language. A closed heart displays negative body language.
- Open to touch. A closed heart avoids physical contact.
- A spirit of gratitude and appreciation. A closed heart is critical.
- Awareness of your spouse’s tremendous value. A closed heart only sees faults.
- Patience. A closed heart is impatient.
- Kindness. A closed heart is mean and cruel.
- Forgiveness. A closed heart holds a grudge.
- Humility and a teachable spirit. A closed heart is prideful.
- Curiosity. A closed heart is bored.
- Seeks first to understand. A closed heart wants to be understood first.
- Hopefulness. A closed heart is hopeless.
The real question is how do you know if your heart is open? What is the telltale sign? I know my heart is open when I first seek to understand Erin’s perspective. The biggest sign of my closed heart is defensiveness. When I’m trying to explain my actions or get Erin to understand how she has just “wrongly” perceived or misinterpreted something I did, I know that my heart is closed. If you can genuinely say that you are open to your spouse, you are ready to respond.
We’re frequently asked if both hearts need to be open for you to respond. The answer is “yes” and “no.” Although the truth is that you don’t need your spouse’s heart to be open to respond, if their heart is still closed, we suggest that you proceed very carefully. Ideally both hearts are open so you can have good communication all around. There are plenty of times that I’ve gone back to Erin when her heart is still closed. During these times, I need to make my goal to seek to listen and understand her.
Likewise, I encourage you to proceed with extreme caution if your spouse’s heart is closed. And here’s why. The next verse right after the Matthew passage about getting the log out of your own eye says, “Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces” (Matthew 7:6). We believe Jesus is saying that we shouldn’t give something valuable (like our heart and emotions) to someone who isn’t able to take great care of it. Just like you wouldn’t give your pearls to pigs or dogs, you don’t want to share your emotions with your spouse unless their heart is open. Otherwise, they will trample your emotions under their feet and tear your heart to pieces. This is what we are capable of doing (reactions) when our heart is shut down. Hasn’t that been your experience? If you put your heart out to someone who isn’t at a place to take great care of it, we guarantee you’ll end up emotionally wounded. Your heart and emotions are of tremendous value and they are your responsibility. It’s no accident that this verse appears right after the personal responsibility passage. Not only is it your job to get your heart open, but you’ve also been given the job to protect your heart. This is why you shouldn’t share your heart with someone who is closed. Too often I’ve watched people throw their feelings before a closed heart only to walk away with a broken heart. That’s not the right way to protect yourself or your marriage. You can always listen to your spouse’s heart, but you must make sure that their heart is open if you’re going to share your heart.
But there’s good news. The more you listen, the greater the odds that your spouse will open to you. As King Solomon wrote in Proverbs 15:5: “A gentle answer turns away wrath.”
Here’s what Erin and I do to put Solomon’s wise words into action. We’ve made it a rule that we’ll never discuss sensitive issues unless both of our hearts are open. Before we're willing to talk about a Reactive Cycle, we’ll literally say “I’m feeling pretty open and I’m ready to talk. Are you open?” If we both acknowledge our hearts are open, then we’ll both share. But if Erin says she’s still shut down, then I need to make a choice. I can put the ball in her court, let her be responsible for herself, and then patiently wait until she is ready. My job then is to keep my heart open and ready to talk when she comes back. My other option is to jump into the listener role. I’m not going to share my heart and feelings at that moment, but I can listen and seek to understand Erin. This may even help her heart reopen.
The best way to respond and communicate with your spouse is through Heart Talk. This powerful communication method is designed to take you from unhealthy conflict to deeper levels of intimacy
What is Heart Talk?
In life, we long to be deeply known. We want to be seen – thoroughly and completely. The word “intimate” comes from two Latin words meaning, “inner most” and “to make known.” Intimacy therefore is when we make known our innermost being. It’s exactly what you get when you slowly say the word “intimacy”: Into me see. It’s the same idea behind a greeting shared by the African Zulu tribe that is spoken in two parts. When tribesmen encounter one another, they stand facing each other, look deep into each other’s eyes, and then one person says, Sikhona, which means “I am here to be seen” and the person answers with Sikhona, which means “I see you.” The last few words in 1 Corinthians 13:12 emphasize this deep longing to know and be known: “…then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.”
The most powerful way to be seen and known is through Heart Talk. There are many versions of this style of communication around, and each version has a different name. However, we’ve been working for years to refine our approach and have created the simplest, most easy-to-use format we know of. Whatever you call it, we desperately need it.
The structure and goals of Heart Talk are simple, but the execution proves difficult for some couples due to their stubborn communication habits. Heart Talk challenges those habits because the primary objective of Heart Talk is for each person to be able to share how he or she feels about something with the goal of feeling cared for, understood, and accepted.
Such an outcome can feel elusive when strong feelings are present. Spouses have different emotional styles, different views on the value of certain emotions, and they lack a way to communicate about feelings. So, when they get upset, both are talking but neither is listening. Heart Talk provides a solution to those challenges.
At its core, Heart Talk means that one spouse talks about something on his or her heart while the other spouse listens and tries to understand. That’s it. One person shares, the other empathizes. But remember, the underlying emotions must be the focus for both spouses so that each person feels heard and cared for. And taking turns is essential so neither spouse is neglected or overshadowed. When this is done well, the couple feels close and connected.
Heart Talk and Work Talk
Conversation is essential for a successful marriage. We’ve described conversation as the mortar that holds a marriage together, or as the vital lifeblood that flows through a successful relationship. Now let’s look at the two types of communication that help build relationships: Heart Talk and Work Talk.
There are many valid types of communication, and each one drives toward a different objective. For instance, “debate” is a powerful communication style that many use, and some are trained in and even use in competition. Debate typically drives toward the goal of “winning” or “persuading,” which in the right hands can be used to help accomplish great things. Debate, however, is rarely a key to growing a great marriage.
Another commonly used type of conversation is “small talk.” Some people judge small talk as meaningless chatter. But we understand that it is really designed to make a connection with someone. Talking about the weather, or whatever, can easily help bridge the gap between me and you and make a basic connection happen.
Over the years, though, we’ve noticed that couples who have thriving marriages skillfully use two very specific styles of communication: Heart Talk and Work Talk.
Work Talk is designed to get stuff done. For our life to succeed there are a never-ending array of logistics that need attention. Things like:
“Hey, honey, how are we going to pick up your car from the garage?”
“Hey, honey, do you think you would have any time this weekend to help me clean out the hall closet?”
Additionally, problems, differences, and numerous other challenges occur regularly. Work Talk is the ideal method to use for overcoming issues and conflict. When done well, it leads to a satisfying sense of accomplishment.
Heart Talk is a whole different animal. Heart Talk is not about logistics, plans, or catching up. It’s not about resolving conflicts or managing differences. It’s about sharing the deepest part of yourself with another person. As said before, the substance of Heart Talk is feelings. The goal of Heart Talk is closeness and intimacy. When done well, it leads to a profound experience of connection and bonding.
If your goal as a couple is to be great business partners, Heart Talk is optional. However, if your goal is to feel genuinely close and connected, Heart Talk is the most important kind of conversation husbands and wives can have. When everything is smooth and relaxed, Heart Talk commonly happens without much thought. But our experience reveals that when strong feelings enter the scene, we need a little help. Let us show you the basics, so when needed, you have a road map to assure your success.
Rules of the road: Sharing, caring, and understanding
When discussing matters of the heart we encourage couples to remember that safety is job number one. Don’t forget the admonition in Proverbs 4:23 to guard your heart above all else. These conversations can become some of the most meaningful and bonding connections in your marriage, although sharing how you feel about something instantly creates vulnerability. If a spouse gets hurt as a result of opening up, the likelihood of that person returning for more conversation drops dramatically.
That’s why our simplified emotional communication model is a three-step process that accounts for that vulnerability. Our process is based on the acronym ICU, which most people connect with an Intensive Care Unit in a hospital, where highly vulnerable patients are given the highest degree of attention and care. Since you will be discussing matters of the heart, we want you to create your own marital “Intensive Care Unit,” with a mutual commitment to make sure you both proceed with tremendous care and respect.
The first step in the ICU model is to start a conversation. You might want to talk because you have feelings on something and you want your spouse to understand, or you may sense that your spouse has feelings you’d like to care about if they’re interested in sharing. In the first instance, the conversation might sound like this: “I have something going on that I’d love to talk to you about. Are you open to a Heart Talk?”
Notice that asking if someone is available is an essential part of caring for yourself and your spouse. If your spouse isn’t in a place to attend to your heart, you’d be careless to share your emotions. Instead, respect yourself and be thoughtful and careful about when you open your heart.
The second instance, you may sense your spouse has a lot going on emotionally and you want them to know that you’ve noticed and that they matter to you. The conversation might start like this: “Hey honey, I can see you have some strong feelings right now. If you’re interested in talking, I’m available for a Heart Talk.” But to be respectful to your spouse, be prepared to hear “no” or “not now.” If that happens, simply say, “OK, if you change your mind and want to talk, let me know.”
In both conversations, it’s important to start a Heart Talk by establishing who is speaking and who is listening. Once that’s settled, you’re ready to begin.
Heart Talk includes three simple steps:
- Identify the feelings.
- Care about the feelings.
- Understand the feelings.
Both the speaker and listener follow these three steps. Here’s how it works: The speaker focuses on his or her feelings and the listener does the same – focusing on the feelings the speaker is sharing.
Once the speaker feels understood and cared for, it’s time to switch roles. Then proceed until both spouses feel heard, understood, and cared for. It’s that’s simple. Now that you have the basics, let’s fill in the details.
Listen but don’t “fix”
In the ideal Heart Talk, the first speaker shares something they have feelings about. If you’re the speaker, you can give some context (what happened, what you heard, etc.), but make sure to focus on what you felt.
For example, here’s how you could start a Heart Talk about a lunch with a good friend: “I feel so happy and grateful that my friend and I had this wonderful time together, but I’m sad that her son is giving her so many problems.”
If your spouse starts as the listener, he or she summarizes what they heard you say and focuses on what you felt. Their goal in summarizing your words is to let you determine whether they heard your heart accurately.
“What I hear you saying is that you are both happy and sad about your lunch talk. Is that right?”
You can let your spouse know they understood you correctly, you can offer a clarification, or just say yes and then add more. We recommend that the speaker shares “bite-size” segments so your spouse can listen and remember the important details. Then, either at the agreed upon end time (sometimes people like to decide up front how long this will last), or when the speaker has said what’s on his or her heart, the two spouses switch roles and repeat the process.
It's important to remember that this conversation is a Heart Talk. Sometimes a spouse can unintentionally switch from a Heart Talk to a Work Talk. Suppose a wife shares the story about her friend’s son and the husband responds by offering a “fix”: “Well, maybe we could introduce her to the counsellor who helped our son so much.”
That’s the wrong conversation! Don’t do that! The wife is not asking for a solution. Instead, she’s sharing her feelings about her friend. So, listen carefully. Is this Heart Talk or Work Talk? The goal of Heart Talk is to feel close and connected – not to fix or resolve a situation. Now, if a solution is needed after both feel heard and cared for, then spouses can switch to Work Talk.
One other important note. Heart Talk is about feelings – but imagine if the wife started the conversation about her friend’s son by telling her husband, “I feel like you’re the biggest idiot in the universe.”
True, her conversation starts with “I feel,” but the wife isn’t talking about her feelings so much as she’s complaining about or criticizing her husband. She forgot that Heart Talk is a chance to talk about her own feelings and experience, not to gripe about her husband’s alleged misdeeds.
Remember the goal of Heart Talk is for the speaker to share his or her feelings and for the listener to hear and work to understand those feelings.
It’s true that Heart Talk can sometimes feel awkward or unnatural, but with practice, it becomes more natural and both you and your spouse end up feeling heard, understood, and cared for. Resolving issues is much easier when people realize their feelings matter.
Putting it all together
Now that you understand Heart Talk and know the ICU method, it’s time to put that knowledge into action. Choose a fun topic like an ideal date night, a dream vacation, or an item on your “bucket list.” Then, take turns describing – in detail – where you would go and what you would like to do. Practice listening and repeating back what you hear your spouse saying – especially the emotions.
Remember, your goal is to create a “heart-to-heart” connection … not to offer a “fix” or solution.
