When Matthew was growing up in the late 1980s, he struggled in school. He could never pay attention, he always fidgeted, and he was constantly told he was disrupting the class.
Thirty years later, Matthew’s son’s teacher sat down with him and his wife, Becky, to tell them she suspected their son may have ADHD. The teacher let Matthew and Becky know that the school would be supportive of their son’s unique needs and told them their next step would be to visit a pediatric psychologist and get an official diagnosis so that the school could create a specialized education program. When their son got older, he’d also have the option to try different medication depending on his diagnosis.
Many parents, like Matthew, are watching their children be diagnosed with ADHD, only to realize they too may have ADHD.
On the one hand, this realization can be freeing. For Matthew, he felt a weight lift off him that he wasn’t actually a “bad kid,” his brain just worked differently than those of his fellow students.
At the same time, though, this news can cause immense pain as parents look back on their life and realize how much different – and easier – it could have been had they been given the same supports their child was now offered. Add to that, they’re likely also looking at their child and wanting to protect them from the inevitable challenges. This compounded kind of grief can feel extreme.
If you’re walking through this realization in your family – or you suspect this may be the case – this article is not going to provide any medical guidance or information. It will help you sort through your emotions, reactions, and even grief as you grapple with this new reality.
It’s okay to grieve
We know far more about ADHD and neurodivergence today than we did even a decade ago, but there is still grief for many parents when their child receives a diagnosis – especially if they themselves have struggled over the years with or without their own diagnosis.
“Neurodivergence is exactly what it sounds like – it is a situation in which an individual’s brain essentially works in a manner that does not always align with the more ‘typical’ (neurotypical) population,” Dr. Brent Macdonald explains1. “Historically, neurodivergence has been seen as being a challenge. However, new approaches to neurodivergence suggest that there are a lot of strengths and unique characteristics that individuals with these conditions offer.”
While there’s more hope for a child diagnosed with ADHD today than 20 years ago, as a parent, you should still allow yourself room to grieve if you’re struggling with the news. In your grief you may go back and forth between the stages: shock/denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. If you’re feeling any of these things, sit in those uncomfortable feelings, talk with your spouse, seek out professional support, and be honest with how you feel.
Tim Sanford, a licensed professional counsellor, adds:
“Times like these activate the ‘Why, God?’ question. Go ahead; wrestle with that question. If need be, seek a mentor who's mature in the Christian faith. At some point you will need to rephrase your question from ‘Why?’ to ‘What do you (God) want me to do now?’”
Let go of the guilt
If you are the parent of a child with ADHD and you realize the genetic factor came from you, you may have feelings of guilt for passing down this disorder to your child.
“We know that there are genetic and environmental factors that underlie neurodivergence. In my practice, I have seen many parents who feel that they somehow caused their child to have ASD or ADHD because of genetic reasons, or perhaps because of how they raised their children,” Dr. Macdonald explains. “Of course, this may or may not be the case, but regardless, most parents feel that they have somehow done something wrong. This is based on a fallacy, which is that human neurodiversity itself is somehow wrong. Of course, there are challenges associated with neurodivergence, but neurodivergent people often think about things and solve problems in unique, creative ways.”
If you’re feeling guilty, be honest with yourself and with your spouse. Pushing those feelings away or denying them will only cause them to fester and come out in other ways. By taking the time to work through any guilt you’re feeling head-on, you’ll be better equipped to speak truth to the lies by taking captive every thought (1 Corinthians 10:5).
While you may be the genetic factor in your child’s ADHD diagnosis, your unique position also allows you to give them the amazing gift of empathy. You know the frustrations first-hand. You know the challenges, and you’ve likely already found your own tools to navigate those challenges. You and your child are surrounded by many resources to fight the stigma from years past, so you’ll be able to give them a much healthier childhood and view of their neurodivergence than you yourself probably had.
Understand that every neurodiverse story is unique
While there will be commonalities when both you and your child have ADHD, you have to remember that neurodivergence is not a one-size-fits-all experience. For example, some people need physical touch to calm down; others are overstimulated by physical touch. Another factor is the gender differences. Boys with ADHD tend to show external, physical hyperactivity, while girls tend to have more internalized symptoms like despair, overwhelm, and inattentiveness2.
“Your child’s behaviors may not (and likely will not) be the same as yours, which may be frustrating for you,” Dr. Macdonald advises. “Try to remember – they are just learning about their own uniqueness, and will need a bit of emotional space and patience to do so.”
As they discover their own unique experiences, perspectives, and temperaments, showing them curiosity – not judgment – will ensure they have a safe environment in which to grow and develop. That being said, there will be times when you get short and impatient with them – especially if their behaviours push your buttons – but when that happens, you can apologize to them after you’ve calmed down, showing them the power of taking accountability.
To be clear, you’re not apologizing for the emotion you felt, you’re apologizing for the behaviour that you showed. So, if you yelled at them because they were throwing their toys at a sibling, you can explain that everyone had a right to be upset, but yelling (on your part) and throwing toys (on theirs) were not appropriate behaviours.
Share age-appropriate insight with your child
If you are older than 30 and were either diagnosed or undiagnosed with ADHD, you likely had a difficult childhood as you struggled to navigate the world around you. Some of the knowledge you now have – whether it’s knowing you need earplugs in loud spaces, downloading certain apps to help with list-keeping, or keeping fidget gadgets at the ready – can be helpful for your child.
Depending on your child’s age and experience, you can share some of your stories with them to help them feel less alone.
For example, if your daughter struggles to do her homework on time, tell her about the tricks you learned as a teenager – like listening to instrumental music while studying or setting a timer as soon as you got home from school to give yourself thirty minutes to complete a specific number of pages. If she feels different from her friends, tell her about a time when you felt “other” and how you’ve learned that God created your brain to operate in a different way, and he’s done the same thing for her. Help her identify the strengths of her ADHD rather than just focusing on the weaknesses.
Some of the greatest gifts you can give to your child are what you felt like you didn’t get as a child yourself – grace, compassion, understanding, and freedom. Empower your neurodivergent child to have the freedom to learn who they are, how they’re uniquely wired, and why that’s so exciting.
You can also give some perspective that the tools they have today are ones you wish you had at their age. You want to make sure this doesn’t come across as heavy-handed or dismissive of their own challenges today, but children lack perspective when it comes to their experiences, so giving context about how blessed they are to live in this current time can also be helpful.
Use the tools your child is being given
If you were not diagnosed with ADHD as a child – or an adult – but suspect you are neurodivergent based on the similarities between you and your child, you can benefit from what they’re learning at the same time as them.
And if you’re able to get a formal diagnosis as an adult, this can go a long way in helping your child.
“Managing a child’s behavior successfully requires parents to be consistent and calm, and keep their own emotions out of the equation,” Caroline Miller writes3. “Parents need to pay close attention to and respond positively to behaviors they want to encourage. And they need to avoid reacting emotionally to behaviors that are problematic. None of these things [are] easy if you have ADHD.
“But when parents get treatment for their own ADHD, research shows that their behavior management skills improve, leading to an increase in positive parent-child interactions and more effective direction for their children. Hence treating the caregiver’s ADHD may be a vitally important part of helping the child overcome behavior problems.”
Whether you choose to take medication for your adult ADHD, or you begin speaking to a therapist who specializes in neurodiversity, empowering yourself with tools will put you in a much better place to empower your child.
And as you work with your child’s pediatric psychologist and school administration, borrowing some of their tools can help you too!
What to remember as the neurotypical parent
If you’re the neurotypical parent in a home with multiple neurodivergent family members, you will also need to remember a few key truths:
- It is normal to feel overwhelmed. Your brain works differently than those of your spouse and child, and that’s okay. Being curious and asking questions can go a long way in building bridges.
- Communicate regularly with your spouse to work through conflict. “Please know that if you and your spouse are struggling with any of these conflict patterns or if one of you has been diagnosed with ADHD, there’s still hope,” Christy Billings writes. “There are proven treatments that work and decrease the symptoms of this condition.”
- Practise good self-care. Just as your neurodiverse spouse needs time alone to recover from feeling overstimulated, you will also need to learn what you need to show up healthy and calm for your family.
Pray. We all get overwhelmed and we all struggle with thoughts of why me? God is big enough to hear those thoughts. So, spend time in regular prayer, Bible reading, spiritual reflection in nature – whatever you need to foster a close relationship with your Saviour so you can better pour into your family.
Names changed to protect privacy
Need more help? Focus on the Family Canada offers a free one-time phone counselling consultation with our team of in-house registered Christian counsellors. Call 1.800.661.9800 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. Pacific time or visit FocusOnTheFamily.ca/Counselling to submit your request online.
