FocusOnTheFamily

Midlife waves

Written by Claudia Arp with David Arp

Recently, as we walked on the shore at West Palm Beach, Florida, Dave stooped down to rinse off our collection of seashells when a huge wave knocked him down. Fortunately, Dave was okay, but we can’t say the same for our electronic BlackBerry Personal Digital Assistant (PDA), which met an untimely death by drowning.

This unfortunate event reminds us of marriage at midlife, which can seem like a walk on the beach until we’re hit by something unexpected – a health issue, a financial setback or a crisis with a child or family member. You may be left feeling overwhelmed and find the intimacy in your relationship ebbing away. Consider the following intimacy breakers and how to deal with them.

Against the current

When you’re exhausted, it’s hard to be romantic. If you’ve just survived your children’s teen years, you may be left with little physical or emotional reserve. As a result, your love life has suffered. The best thing you can do to restore intimacy is to slow down and get some rest. Go to bed by 8 p.m., and take some time to renew your stamina.

Treading water

The reading on the bathroom scale can zap intimacy and romance. As you age, it’s natural to put on a few pounds. Walking several times each week gives you energy and helps you stay physically fit. When you feel good about your body, you feel better about romance, so exercise for your love life. Chances are, you both could use the exercise, and a walk is a great way to foster intimate conversations.

Other health issues may influence your sexual relationship. If so, talk to your doctor. Some medications affect intimacy while other medications can add to the quality of your love life. Your doctor can help you understand the options.

Heat waves

Hot flashes, night sweats and the changing tide of emotions ushered in by menopause can impact your intimacy. Menopause in women is well-known; less known is that men also go through hormonal and physical changes. Both spouses may experience the ebb and flow of desire, so both need to be willing to take the initiative.

Menopause doesn’t have to be an intimacy breaker. Talk to your spouse. If you have concerns, get a physical. Remember that this is a natural stage of life, and together you’ll get through it.

Financial undertow

Money, or the lack of it, is another stressor. “Give me neither poverty nor riches.” Proverbs 30:8 instructs us that either extreme can cause you to lose your balance and give way to the undertow of financial stress. If you have great resources, you may spend all your time maintaining them, leaving little time for intimacy. If you have few resources, you may let worry about the future – college tuition, retirement, job security or health-care expenses – preoccupy you and zap your love life.

Fortunately, intimacy in marriage is not dependent on money. Few things in life are free, but lovemaking is one of them. Consider this: Fewer resources can mean living a simpler lifestyle, which can translate into more quality time together. Simple, free ways to cultivate intimacy might include:

• Remember to kiss goodbye each morning and hello each evening
• Light a candle and listen to your favourite CD together
• Foster spiritual intimacy by praying with each other
• Recognize your mate’s thoughtfulness or service to you

Protection from unexpected waves

Romance and intimacy in marriage are not reserved for the young. According to a national survey we conducted of long-term marriages, sexual satisfaction increases with each decade of life. As the years go by, you can experience a more mature love than in the early days of your marriage – a love where you are comfortable with yourself and with each other, where you accept each other just as you are.

Since that day on the beach, we’ve replaced our BlackBerry PDA, but the loss of it reminds us to protect our intimacy from the unexpected waves of life. When intimacy begins to ebb, we watch for the changing tide and take the initiative to celebrate our love for one another.

Claudia and David Arp enjoy midlife marriage in Knoxville, Tennessee.

© 2007 Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission.

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