FocusOnTheFamily

Midlife quiz

Written by Phil Callaway

A friend of mine says you officially enter middle age when your age starts to show around your middle. For me, my age has been showing around my hairline. I do not have trouble growing hair, but location is everything.

In the morning while I shave, I hum that old Beatles tune:

Yesterday, I thought all my hair was here to stay
Now it looks as though it’s turning grey
Oh, I believe in yesterday

Somewhere between the ages of 38 and 53, most of us enter a season where we are squeezed between aging parents and our very own teenagers. And none of them thinks we know much. We once scoffed at the notion of a midlife crisis, but now life is speeding by, and we find ourselves eyeing red convertibles, dabbing on extra cologne and wondering if Speedos come in a size 53.

In times like these, it is helpful to ask a series of deep philosophical questions to see how we are coping with life in the sandwich years.

1. When I stand in front of the mirror, I:
a. thank God for His awesome handiwork.
b. close my eyes and grind my teeth.
c. can see my backside without turning around.

2. My hair is:
a. a wavy, natural blond.
b. Hair? Yes, I remember hair.
c. going underground and coming out my nose.

3. Many people are alarmed by claims of global warming. We could alleviate those fears if:
a. all of us would just drive Smart Cars.
b. my college kids would just keep the refrigerator door closed.
c. we could find a way to harness hot flashes.

4. When I look at my teenager, I think:
a. This child is a delight!
b. Who swapped the baskets in the hospital nursery?
c. For this I have stretch marks?

5. The following statement best describes me:
a. I am happy in my workplace, content with my body, as perky and fresh as a spring morning.
b. I am so tired I can barely fasten my Velcro shoes.
c. I am so confused I dropped my mother off at soccer and my daughter at the gerontologist.

6. After a visit to the doctor, I:
a. see the benefits of eating well and rising at 6 a.m. each day for my nine-mile jog.
b. comfort myself knowing that my memory may be going but at least I can retain water.
c. begin considering acupuncture. I mean, when was the last time you saw a sick porcupine?

7. When I think of finances, I:
a. know I am right on track due to wise fiscal planning that started when I was 12.
b. wonder how to reconcile my net income with my gross habits.
c. know that I have all the money I’ll ever need – unless I live past Wednesday.

8. My favourite song is now:
a. Johnny Nash: “I Can See Clearly Now.”
b. Roberta Flack: “The First Time Ever I Slipped A Disc.”
c. B.J. Thomas: “Hair Plugs Keep Fallin’ Off My Head.”

9. My diet consists of:
a. vegetables, fruits and organic granola.
b. stuff I find in the sofa.
c. raspberry cheesecake, ice cream by the gallon and Pepto-Bismol.

10. The following best describes my view of aging:
a. Thanks to anti-aging books and natural herbs, I will be in peak physical condition well past 100.
b. I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have facelifts until my ears join together.
c. Except for the occasional heart attack, I feel as young as ever.

How to score:

• If you answered “a” even once, please apologize to the rest of us.
• If you answered “b” more than twice, keep reminding yourself of the benefits of middle age:
  
  • No more high school exams.
  • Life insurance salesmen don’t call.
  • You can stay up as late as you want – sometimes until 8 p.m.
  • It’s time to tape this quote to your mirror: “Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day” (2 Corinthians 4:16).
• If you gravitated toward the “c” answers, a great sense of humour is keeping you young. Believe me, it helps. Last night my wife caught me looking in the mirror again. I said, “Honey, I don’t look 46.” She laughed. “No,” she replied, “but you used to.”

Phil Callaway enjoys the sandwich years so much he wrote a book about it. To order a copy of his book, Family Squeeze, click here.

© 2008 Focus on the Family (Canada) Association. All rights reserved.

Recommend this article...