FocusOnTheFamily

Beware of your spouse

Written by Patrick Dunn

A mysterious force is changing you – and you don’t even know it. In fact, nobody is immune to this powerful, irresistible force.

Somewhere right now, a husband who survived for years on frozen pizza and toast is eating pot roast and (gasp!) a salad, while a wife who grew up on a quiet country farm is staring at a 45,000-watt, two-story surround sound home theatre system.

Only one thing can explain such bizarre mutations – marriage.

Slowly, subtly, like a cougar stealthily approaching its prey, your spouse is rubbing off on you. But then you realize it – pounce! – too late.

“Idol” moments

It finally happened this year: I actually watched American Idol. Before I married Sally, I would have rather watched Great Moments in Pork Rind History. But soon, Sally had turned our TV to the reality show. No biggie; it’s “her thing.” I’d casually glance at the screen.

By the next season, I’d comment on the songs; it was a slippery slope. Soon I knew contestants by name and would stop what I was doing to catch performances. I’d overhear discussions at work about who should win and understood what everyone was talking about! The final blow came when I found myself watching the show while exercising – alone.

Nail maintenance

Before marriage, I had an effective way to trim my nails – teeth. But I was “enlightened” by watching Sally’s daily 48-step nail-maintenance program. Now I’m using manicure tools such as clippers and even (this hurts my inner man) a nail file. But it’s kind of like giving a caveman a violin; I have no concept of how to use either tool. My nails look worse now, each with a new, exciting, abnormal shape. One looks like Manitoba.

Piling it on

I like a hard mattress; Sally likes a soft one. We kept my bed and the harder mattress, but somehow it’s now soft. In fact, the bed has sprouted 10 feet taller – with a down mattress pad, big puffy comforters, extra blankets and another comforter with a duvet cover. Basically, I sleep on a giant marshmallow. One more blanket and we’ll need an escalator to get in bed.

Mutual mutations

Sally has rubbed off on me in other ways – the occasional use of cover-up makeup (admit it, men, you’ve been tempted, too) and smiling more during pictures – but I still refuse to cook with a Crock-Pot.

I’ve watched her change, too, thanks to me.

Sally didn’t drink coffee. In fact, she tried to make a cup of coffee once by dumping grinds directly into the water. Now, she brews it at home, goes to coffee houses and drinks it faster than I do (and subsequently talks like the Chipmunks).

And like many wives, Sally has slowly gained a new wardrobe – the “My Husband’s Favourite Football Team” collection (which, for most sports fans’ wives, actually doubles as lingerie).

While she has increased my vegetable intake, I’ve helped her enjoy some of the finer things in life, such as anything with sugar. OK, coffee and sugar consumption aren’t the healthiest habits to pass along – but at least she still has her fingernails!

To balance things out, Sally admits I’ve led her to exercise more. OK, I don’t feel so guilty now.

What’s next?

Foods you never thought you’d eat, decorating (I’ve started a men’s support group called My Wife Likes Wicker), hobbies, even speech – the areas your spouse can influence are immeasurable. My brother Mark and his wife, Susan, started using “spoonerisms” when they got married, mixing up the beginning of their words. After 14 years, nobody understands them anymore.

Sally and I have been married only three years, and already we’ve rubbed off on each other quite a bit. What happens in five years or 10 or 25? Will I be using a Crock-Pot? Will she finally understand why I like cereal for dinner? What if we’re using spoonerisms, too?

Thankfully, these changes reflect how we’re accepting and embracing one another. Some changes have come naturally, others by wilful choice. Ultimately, we’ve enriched each other’s lives with new adventures, outlooks and those little moments when we laugh and savour a process that’s less about who is changing whom and more about what really matters – two becoming one.

I just hope my fingernails grow back someday.

Patrick Dunn lives in Colorado Springs, Colorado, where he stays active trying to get in and out of his bed.

© 2008 Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission.

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