FocusOnTheFamily

The REALLY ugly truth

Written by Wendy Kittlitz

“Stop and imagine the ugly but very real possibility of some of your own elders and deacons leaving your meetings and going home to surf porn. Think about youth leaders viewing it one minute, and leading a small group with your kids 30 minutes later.

It’s ruining marriages, destroying relationships, harming youth, and hurting the body of Christ. You need hardly be reminded that fallen pastors and priests did not ‘suddenly’ fall. More often than not, pornography played a role in their downward spiral.”

These words were penned to supporters of Charles Swindoll’s Bible-teaching ministry, Insight for Living. Shocking? Ugly? Absolutely. At Focus on the Family Canada, we have spoken to some of these people. We have spoken to their spouses and their parents and members of their congregations. And none of it is pretty. We provide a safe place for people to confess their sin and begin the path to healing.

Shining a light

Let me suggest that your churches also need to be safe places where people can confess these sins and find that same path. As a pastor, how do you do this?*

1. Talk about it! Pornography and sexual addiction must be addressed from the pulpit. I am not sure I have ever heard a sermon specifically on this subject. People will rarely come to special meetings or workshops on pornography, fearing what others will think. As this topic is relevant for everyone, we cannot be afraid to discuss it. Secrecy is what keeps this sin so powerful; shame only fuels the fire.
2. Acknowledge the damage pornography causes to relationships: it hurts marriages horribly; it tears families apart; it breaks trust; it can lead to abuse; it necessitates deception; it weakens commitment. Educate your people about the consequences!
3. Give them more than simply saying, “Don’t do it.” Almost all of them already know that. They need to know how to stop: This takes more than behaviour modification or promising someone (self, wife, pastor, even accountability partner) that they won’t do it anymore. Counselling is often needed to understand the root of the often legitimate, unmet needs that lead to the addiction.
   
   Support is also crucial to success. Forgiveness of self and seeking this from others is important. If you don’t have a plan to help others walk through this, we are here to help. Call us at 1.888.5.CLERGY.
4. Create a safe place for healing. Typically, people admit this is a problem when they are discovered (a crisis); when someone else admits they have a struggle (shared), or someone lets them know they will be accepted and loved even if they come clean (grace).

Combatting this enemy will take courage, determination, wisdom and support. Pastors, if the statistics are correct, there are many people sitting in your pews week after week living in bondage. You have preached Christ to them faithfully. But to live an authentic life of discipleship, they need you to stop pretending this doesn’t exist. It won’t go away if we don’t talk about it – it will get worse.

By shining a light on sexual sin, you will remind those in bondage that there is hope and that they’re not alone. God’s power is stronger than this addiction!

For some inspiration or ideas, click here to read a sermon outline developed by H.B. London Jr. that you are welcome to draw from.

*It is a given, pastor, that if this is your issue, you need to deal with it first. If this is you, please – for your spouse, your kids, your church – deal with it. Call us at 1.888.5.CLERGY. It’s free and completely confidential, and we will help you get started.

Wendy Kittlitz is the director of Focus on the Family Canada’s Counselling and Care Ministries.

© 2009 Focus on the Family (Canada) Association. All rights reserved.