FocusOnTheFamily

Saying goodbye with grace

Written by Laird Crump

Au revoir, Ciao, Sayonara, Auf wiedersehen, Farewell . . . any way you express it, saying goodbye to a church is quite a complicated issue.

Prior to coming on staff with Focus on the Family Canada, I pastored for 25 years at four churches and frequently had to say “adios amigos.” Some of those experiences were a wonderful closing to a beautiful chapter of ministry, while others were quite complicated and stressful.

When leaving a church as a pastor, it’s very important to navigate departures well. A pastoral transition can put both a pastor and a congregation into a vulnerable position: The pastor could feel undervalued; the flock could feel insecure, and “wannabe” leaders can rush in with a harmful agenda. Though they are common, pastoral transitions tend to be messy and need to be handled with generous amounts of grace. So, how does one say goodbye to a church with grace?

Be gracious in telling the truth

Many pastors leave their church because of some sort of frustration or problem. In response, some people erroneously assume that grace simply sweeps issues under the carpet and moves on. But the contrary is actually true. In fact, it is said of Jesus that He is “full of grace and truth” (John 1:14). Grace and truth are two sides of the same coin. As one of my pastor-friends often says, “You will never regret telling the truth. You may regret how and when you tell it, but it is the truth that sets us free.”

In fact, declaring those kinds of issues may help the congregation or board deal with some of their dysfunction. It may also make it easier for the next pastor who will soon be occupying your old office. The truth must be told, but some of that truth will be hard for them to hear.

It would be wise to fully script a statement to the congregation to ensure that you don’t go on a harmful rant in the emotion of the moment. It would be even wiser to have another pastor’s objectivity in editing it for you, to help you say what needs to be said in a way that people will hear. And of course, we don’t need to say everything on our last Sunday at the church. As my wise father (also a pastor) frequently reminded me, “You can always say more, but you can never say less.” This is a lesson I’m still learning. Paul’s advice to the Ephesian church to “speak the truth in love” applies in all circumstances, even pastoral transitions.

Be gracious in recalling the good times

There is great value in reminiscing about the good days of ministry in that church. You may find therapeutic significance making a list with your spouse of all the good things you want to remember about your pastoral experience there. Then remind key people of those positive things. It may invoke a few good laughs, as well as some tears, but this too could be healthy for both you and the congregation to practice the Biblical principle of Philippians 4:8: “. . . whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.”

Be gracious in pastoral care

Tying up loose ends before you leave can be tiring, but be careful not to neglect investing in some of the dear people of your church. If you hunker down in your office, spending your last weeks packing books, it could send the message that you were simply a hired hand and not the caring shepherd. Perhaps you could make a list of key people you want to have coffee with before you depart and remind an associate of who will be in need of pastoral attention in the months to come.

Be gracious in dealing with conflict

God instructs us to not let the sun go down on our anger. The basic principle is to deal with issues of conflict and not ignore them. Perhaps there are a few people you need to have a heart-to-heart with and to resolve your differences before you exit. However, some differences cannot be resolved. In that regard, we are to forgive, but reconciliation can only happen when the violating party admits and repents of their wrongdoing.

I know of a pastor who scheduled a meeting with a church he had left years earlier due to conflict, because he felt God wanted him to work toward reconciliation. Was it a happy ending? Not completely, but the pastor felt he had done his part and had closure. We can’t always be reconciled, but we must always forgive. As Romans 12:18 says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” It may not always be possible, but pastors need to do their part.

Be gracious in your teaching

Choose your closing messages carefully and use them as an opportunity to paint a picture of a desirable future for the church. You may be tempted to get in a few parting shots in an effort to reprimand the congregation, but resist the urge. Your last few messages can leave a lasting impression and help the faithful to keep pressing on to the future with God-centred optimism.

Be gracious in expressing thankfulness

Yes, the pastorate is filled with many headaches and hardships, but being a pastor is also a privilege. The congregation you are leaving provided you with meaningful employment. Pastors get paid to lead people to Christ and teach people the Word of God. That, indeed, is an honour. Perhaps you may want to consider buying the congregation a thank-you gift that would positively remind them of your service to the Lord together.

That being said, don’t be afraid to show your emotion. One of the most touching stories in the New Testament is the story of Apostle Paul leaving the elders of Ephesus, as recorded in Acts 20:13-38. It’s a beautiful closing message that ends with a tearful departure and physical affection. We often forget that being a pastor is not a job; it’s a calling that requires the investment of not just our gifts, but also our heart.

Be gracious with your spouse

He or she will have many adjustments to make, as they have more than likely made enormous investments into that faith community. Saying goodbye will likely be just as hard for them as for you. If you’re leaving in a conflicted way, your spouse will need additional attention to help them work through a variety of issues. This may be a time to make sure you are carving out a large amount of time for the two of you for talking, walking and processing what the previous chapter of your lives was all about.

Be gracious with your children

Depending on their ages, your children might not understand all the dynamics involved in this transition, but they will know it means saying goodbye to many friends. This will not be easy for them. They, too, will need much of your time to help them process things in a healthy way. Since transitions sometimes distract us from the important people in our lives, be sure to give your children your full attention.

Be gracious to yourself with your emotions

It is your responsibility to process your own emotions. Likely, the intensity of emotion will be significant and should not be minimized. How are you processing emotions like regret, sadness, anger, or even relief? Anyway you look at it, there will be some expression of emotional letdown. You might find it helpful to process these emotions with a trusted counsellor and to remember that your spouse is not your counsellor! They can support, affirm and encourage, but you are responsible for the management of your emotions.

If you’ve had an especially difficult departure, there may be value in following Jesus’ advice of shaking the dust off your shoes (Matthew 10:14). I know of one wounded pastor who went to the church building late one night, took off his shoes and literally shook the dirt and dust off onto the front porch of the church. This exercise allowed him some symbolic closure, as he desired to responsibly process his emotions. If you’ve had a difficult departure, remember that there is life after this pastorate. You might wonder if life will ever be good again, but it will. Emotions will eventually settle down, and God will heal any wounding that may have been incurred.

Receive God’s amazing grace

What is God affirming of in terms of your pastoral ministry? What does He want you to learn in this transition? Discuss with Him the stewardship of your gifts. Transitions provide a period of God-centred reflection that we don’t often get in the regular routines of life.

But more importantly, this is a time to be reminded that before being a pastor, you are God’s child. From God’s perspective, who you are is so much more important than what you do. Hopefully, you’ll be able to catch your breath before entering a new ministry and go deeper in your relationship with Christ without any performance issues in the way.

So, while endeavoring to say goodbye with grace, don’t forget to get in touch with God’s amazing grace for you! This can help you to leave a positive legacy and assist both you and the congregation in navigating through this transition well.

Laird Crump is the director of family ministry at Focus on the Family Canada.

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