FocusOnTheFamily

Addicted to approval?

Written by Jerry Ritskes

Did you know that October is Clergy Appreciation Month? It seems strange that I should be telling you that this is the time when people should be showing their love for you. Over my years as a pastor, there have been some years my congregation made an effort to show their love and appreciation for me during this month, and sometimes not – it’s just one of those things.

While I didn’t get into ministry for the approval of people around me, it’s easy to slide into a mindset which furtively looks for signs of how people are viewing my work, my ministry and in the end, me. Now, this in itself is not an evil thing. There is nothing wrong with receiving appreciation from others. Equally so, there is nothing wrong with evaluating our sermons, our work practices and our direction. We can learn a lot by evaluating these things. God can use these evaluations to speak to us about what He wants to do in our lives. But when we begin to look to people for affirmation as a sign of “God’s blessing” or “God’s calling,” then we are on a slippery slope toward a direction which actually blunts our ministry and passion.

Outgrowing approval addiction

During my childhood, I longed to please people in authority, like my parents, teachers and others who had a say in my life (though my parents would possibly question how hard I tried to please them). Not only did I try to please these people, but I used their approval as a measurement of who I was as a person. It’s a mistake many children make. When this mode of operation is in a child, it’s understandable, but when it’s in an adult, it’s tragic. As I matured and grew, looking to key people for approval became my basic tool for understanding my value. When I gave my heart to Christ in my teen years, I began looking to spiritual leaders for their approval. Subtly, I equated their approval with God’s, and I was heading on a course which could only end in disaster.

I remember the day, many years later after I had served a church for six years, when I realized that through all the problems we had faced as a church and as a board, I was falling back into the old pattern. Instead of leading my board, I was settling for pleasing my board. And when you try to please a board, there is no pleasing them. They don’t really want to be pleased; they want to work with us in helping our people grow and mature.

It was shortly after this that I went to a retreat where a couple sat down with Renee and me. And as they listened to us, they helped give us tools to work through some of our issues. It was there that I began to win the battle of looking for approval. I began to understand that God’s love for me was unconditional, that God would love me, regardless of my profession or ministry, that He is so thrilled that I am his son, that nothing could ever change that. As I grew to understand God’s unconditional love, I gained freedom from the need to get other people’s approval. I began to be whole.

Your true value

I hope this month that people do all kinds of nice things for you from the bottom of their heart. But if that doesn’t happen, be aware of this: Your heavenly Father is thrilled that you are his child. He’s thrilled that you want to be close with him. He looks forward to everyday that he can spend with you. He doesn’t love you just because you work for him; he loves you because you belong to him – and this is where you get your value from.

Have a great Clergy Appreciation Month, knowing that your heavenly Father is very fond of you!

Jerry Ritskes is the director of Kerith Creek, a renewal and retreat centre near Calgary, AB. Kerith Creek is a ministry of Focus on the Family Canada. For more info, visit Kerithcreek.com.

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