FocusOnTheFamily

Road trip operating instructions

Written by Margot Starbuck

MapQuest says it should take just over 11 hours from my house to my grandparents’ home.

MapQuest is not travelling with young children.

They get hungry and have to eat. They get thirsty and want to drink. They need potty breaks. They vomit. I learned the hard way that all of these can be done without leaving the vehicle.

That, in itself, is bittersweet. On my last trip, I made good time, but eight hours into the trip, the minivan smelled pretty bad.

After two of these car trips, I learned to calculate the exact exit where one of my children would throw up. When other mothers native to the area later confirmed the exit-vomit phenomenon, I decided there should be some sort of mandatory road trip education for parents.

So here it is.

1. If you pack the 64-count box of crayons, thinking that it’ll be eight times more entertaining than the eight-pack, you’re only fooling yourself. It won’t buy you more than five minutes.
   
   Gravity in the backseat is incredibly unwieldy. Any drawing utensil you offer your child will roll onto the floor within 4.7 seconds of handoff. The same goes for paper. Attach crayons and paper to a clipboard as though your kids were riding in the space shuttle.
2. Just because your infant’s waste stays in her “leakproof” diapers at home, this does not guarantee that it will do so in your vehicle. Entirely alternate laws of physics apply when a child is strapped in a car seat.
3. The first time your child says, “My belly hurts,” take her seriously. Do not wait until the next rest stop. Pull over immediately and dress the child in a rain poncho. Insist that she relinquish the love-worn stuffed animal or blanket that she sniffs to fall asleep at night. Disregard this warning at your own risk.
4. If you carefully ration TV time at home, be sure to have plenty saved up for use on your trip. Out on the open road, your portable DVD player is your best friend. I’m not saying that you won’t lose your mind on the 13th episode of Josh and the Big Wall, but at least your child will be happy when you do.
5. Enjoy your children’s developmental milestones. Notice how children as young as one and two begin to salivate and whine as you pass the bold, eye-catching logos for McDonald’s, Burger King and Wendy’s. And when you do give in and stop, don’t even think about purchasing the meal with a toy. Sure, you’ll be a big hero when your five-year-old opens the box to discover a piece of useless yellow plastic destined for the landfill, but once his sister opens her box and pulls out a green one, it’s going to get ugly.
6. It’s entirely possible that three hours after lunch you will discover that you should have hopped back on the freeway heading eastbound instead of westbound. Trust me when I say that there is no need to bother the children with this information. They’ll figure it out when you have dinner at the same restaurant where you had lunch. (Tip: It may be time to consider the Kiddie Meal.)
7. Skills to sharpen before your trip include: pouring water from a gallon jug into sippy cups, slicing apples for little mouths, and rotating 180 degrees to start the second, third, fourth and fifth VeggieTales DVDs. Practice doing all of these safely while operating a vehicle at 60 miles per hour.

If you’re going my way, I’ll see you at exit 56. Pack some extra wipes for me.

Margot Starbuck drives her three kids around in a blue and lime polka-dot minivan.

© 2009 Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission.

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