FocusOnTheFamily

Families and the economy of self-control

As we come to terms with the vast unknown of our country’s economic situation, the conversation around the kitchen tables of Canada’s families turns serious.

Millions of parents are sharing nervous glances between mouthfuls, wondering how they can continue to shell out hard-earned money for piano lessons, after-school care, and the next school field trip. And the hardest part is trying to explain to our kids how the next few years are going to be different in a lot of painful and teachable-moment ways. So how do we teach our kids about the new family economy and what it’s going to take to survive? Maybe a 50-year-old experiment can help.

Picture the setting: a preschool-age child is brought into a room and sat at a table with a plate holding a single marshmallow; a professor makes some small talk and then tells the kid he has to run an errand. But there’s a catch. If the child doesn’t eat the marshmallow before the professor gets back (and it was a 15-minute wait!), he or she gets a second marshmallow. If the child eats the marshmallow, he or she doesn’t get another one.

Some kids ate the marshmallow before the researcher even left the room. Others had no problem resisting the temptation. But some really struggled; they smelled it, touched it, squeezed it, sang songs and turned their backs to it, and even licked the table around it! But no matter what happened, everyone learned something about self-control.

Go ahead, try a modern version with your kids. Because this is where we can all learn a little something about what it’s going to take to make it through the next few rough economic years.

Our kids need to hear their parents say no once in a while. They need to see us walk out of the big-box store with only the items we went in to buy. They need to hear us talk about budgeting and saving and waiting until it goes on sale. They also need to hear us acknowledge that delaying gratification is hard work. Because it is.

Kids need to know their families will be OK if everybody – parents especially – can demonstrate self-control and survive with less. In fact, they’ll be more than OK. Follow-up research on these kids found that, in general, the ones who had been able to resist the marshmallows became adults who were more dependable, more socially competent and more assertive; they were also able to cope with frustration and stress much better.

This is the type of family our new economy can help create. Maybe it won’t be so bad after all.

Dr. Kelly Dean Schwartz is a developmental psychologist at the University of Calgary. A husband and father of three, he is founder of FamilyWise Canada, an education and research directive focusing on positive family development.

© 2009 Focus on the Family (Canada) Association. All rights reserved.

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