FocusOnTheFamily

Special (overseas) delivery

Written by Jayne Schooler

When David and Ellen Rice walked out of the Dayton, Ohio, airport with their six-month-old daughter, Emily, from China, they began an exciting new journey as a family. When George and Ruth Jennings cradled their 18-month-old daughter, Maggie, on the long flight home from India, they, too, started a new adventure.

International adoptions have doubled during the last decade, from just over 10,000 in 1996 to more than 20,000 in 2006. Adoptions from China, Guatemala, Russia and South Korea continue to top the list. As the Jenningses and Rices have learned, international adoption poses several unique challenges for these transcultural families.

Sensitivity

Often, families who adopt internationally receive insensitive comments from strangers about the obvious physical differences between family members. “Growing up, my life was never privately mine,” said one adult Korean adoptee. “Everywhere we went, people knew I wasn’t born to my parents. Stares and comments were a regular part of simply going out to dinner.”

The Rices’ experience as an adoptive family has been similar. “When Emily was little, she drew a lot of attention because of her race – and because she was so cute,” Ellen said. “People would ask if she was adopted or if she is ours or where we got her. I usually just answered, ‘Yes, this is Emily. She joined our family when she came home from China.’ “

When her daughter matured, however, Ellen’s approach changed. “As Emily got older and understood the question, I would first ask her if she wanted to share her story. If yes, I would briefly answer their questions, if appropriate, and let her tell it from there. If she said no, I would simply say, ‘I’m sorry; she just isn’t ready to share her story today.’ It never ceases to amaze me how people will ask questions in front of her as if she can’t hear them.”

Discernment

In their book Inside Transracial Adoption, authors Gail Steinberg and Beth Hall write:

Do you remember the story of the ugly ducking? Could the mother duck who raised a swan teach him to be a swan? Of course not – she was a duck. Even if she read 1,000 books about swan history and habit, she still wouldn’t have been an authentic swan. She would be a duck who knew a great deal about swans. The baby swan had to learn from other swans.

The same is true for adoptive parents. No matter how deeply they want to meet their child’s cultural needs, they will not be able to personally provide that for them. Culture isn’t something learned from a book; it emerges from experience.

The Jenningses are learning this principle well. “We know we cannot meet all of Maggie’s cultural needs,” Ruth said. “We cannot personally fill all the voids she may experience. We trust God to lead us and her to the people and life experiences that will meet those unique needs.”

The Rices are also aware of their limitations as adoptive parents. So when their daughter was little, they immersed her in as many cultural experiences as possible. “We participated in activities sponsored by our local Families With Children From China support group and attended Chinese school at the local university,” Ellen said.

Flexibility

But the Rices understand that Emily’s needs change over time. Previously engaged in Chinese cultural activities, Emily, now 11, lets her parents know she doesn’t want to do those things anymore. “I just want to be like everyone else,” she tells them.

“We are still learning to follow her cues,” Ellen said. “At this point in her life, we understand that it is important for her self-esteem and identity to be like every other 11-year-old.”

The Jenningses have discovered the same issue with their 11-year-old daughter. “Her silence about adoption and cultural issues lets us know that she just wants to be Maggie, not the adopted child from India,” Ruth said. “We have learned to be flexible.”

Both families know that as their daughters move into adolescence, they most likely will need to revisit this issue, but at a much deeper level.

Parenting an adopted child is much like parenting a child born into the family. But the uniqueness of how the adopted child entered the family requires sensitivity, discernment and flexibility in meeting her changing needs.

Jayne Schooler speaks internationally on adoption issues. She and her husband, David, have an adopted son.

© 2007 Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission.

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