FocusOnTheFamily

New friends in a new world

Written by Josephine Fast

Our family had been in the process of international adoption for 19 months when we finally boarded a plane for Ethiopia. Ten days later, we arrived home with our two new daughters, Shadaye (then five years old) and Tassani (then three years old).

We wanted the girls’ first few months to be spent settling in with our family, so we decided to enrol Shadaye in kindergarten halfway through the school year.

The day finally came for her to make the inaugural march down the driveway to where the school bus would pick her up. She bounced the whole way. And each day she would bounce up the same driveway with stories to tell of all the things she had learned in kindergarten that day.

I waited with anticipation each day, wanting to hear about how much fun she was having and how many new friends she was making. Shadaye and I would talk about the crafts she had made and the books she had enjoyed, but she never mentioned any friends.

Three weeks into this new adventure, I decided I would talk to her teacher to see how she was adjusting. It was during this conversation that I realized just how alone she was feeling. Her teacher told me that Shadaye had very little interaction with the children in her class; she said little and never engaged in any activities with them. Some of this was to be expected, given her many changes in life, but I began to feel concerned about the emotional pain she was experiencing.

When Shadaye came to me one day, tears brimming in her eyes, and said, “Mommy, I have no friends! Please tell teacher,” my heart broke for her. I knew this new life was very different from the one she had lived before. She seemed acutely aware that most everything she knew about life seemed to be irrelevant in the new culture she found herself in.

Praying for friends

The very day Shadaye came home crying about her need for friends, my husband and I decided we would begin to pray as a family about the situation. We knew God wanted to bring friends into Shadaye’s life; we knew He wanted to have a friendship with her as well.

In the evenings during our family devotions, we would talk about how Jesus wants us to have friends. We also talked about the importance of asking Him to help us when we feel lonely or sad. Together, we prayed for friends and asked Jesus to help our daughter have the bravery to interact with the children in her class.

Healthy discussion

One day, Shadaye came running into the house very excited. I asked her if she had talked to anyone at school that day. She said that, yes, she had told the little girl behind her to stop poking her. Knowing just the tone of voice she had probably used, we talked about the importance of not shouting at people but asking them politely to stop bothering us. We even practiced different ways of saying this.

At the same time, we began to talk about what it meant to be a friend: treating others with kindness, inviting others to join us in activities and learning to share. We also let her know that it was okay to speak up if she felt uncomfortable in a situation.

It was also important for her to know that she had value as a friend and that she was a gift to others. We talked about how God made everybody different and how every person is precious. We wanted her to know that being unique was a wonderful gift from God. He made her just the way she is for a reason, and He has a purpose and plan for her life. Celebrating differences helped her realize that being “different” is good.

We realized that part of the challenge she was experiencing in making friends was her inability to communicate well in English. She didn’t yet have the vocabulary to ask someone to play. Practicing English phrases became part of our daily routine. I would say, “Do you want to play with me?” and she would repeat the question. When she was able to ask different questions, I became the “friend” and would respond to her questions. Sometimes I would hear her whispering those phrases throughout the day to herself, making sure she would remember them for school.

New friends

Before long, Shadaye’s confidence began to soar, and she was coming home from school talking about the children she had played with that day. She was so excited to be interacting in a positive way with the children in her class; it was clear our little girl was opening up to her new world. And in response to her little miracles, we reminded her of the prayers we had prayed together. “Look, Jesus loves you. He answered your prayers! Look at all your new friends!”

As we planned her birthday party, she gave me a long list of children she played with at school whom she wanted to invite. It was at this birthday party where I watched my little girl walk up to a classmate who was shy and feeling left out. As I heard her say, “You wanna sit beside me?” my heart did that little mama-jig mothers’ hearts do when you realize all you’ve been teaching your child has made a deep impression. She was seeing the loneliness in others and welcoming them into her circle.

Friendship with Jesus

Ultimately, it is a friendship with Jesus that is most important in our lives, and as we talked about what God had done for Shadaye by helping her make friends, a new understanding of Jesus began to bud in her heart. She understood that Jesus cares about her, loves her and has made her unique for a purpose.

We continue to help Shadaye look for Jesus at work in her life each day, which in turn has reminded us to see all He has done for us. What a privilege it is to walk beside our children as they discover the joys of a true friendship with Christ.

Josephine Fast is a part-time writer in Niverville, Manitoba. She and her husband, Earl, have been blessed with five children: Taylor, Michaela, Riley, Shadaye and Tassani.

© 2008 Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission.

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