FocusOnTheFamily

Lifting the shadow of death

Written by Sheila Wray Gregoire

It’s amazing how one’s whole perspective on life can change with a simple sentence.

The day after my ultrasound with my second baby, the doctor said, “There’s something wrong with his heart.”

I remember practicing, over and over again, saying the sentence, “My son died today,” so that by the time the event actually occurred, I’d be able to utter something hitherto unfathomable.

Everyone has experienced, to some extent, that moment when a veil drops, threatening to cloud our lives forever. I think that’s why David called it the “valley of the shadow of death.” It’s not the death that’s so scary. It’s the shadow that makes everything so dark.

With 11 years of hindsight, though, I can assure you that the shadow, as scary as it is, often is the catalyst for living a more meaningful life. As the shadow overtakes us, our lives get smaller because things that ultimately aren’t that important are pushed aside. After years of trying to prioritize and set goals and make time for God, those things are clarified in an instant.

In daily life, we chase after happiness and success, and measure our lives by smiles. But once suffering touches us, we begin to measure life by the eternal. Until baby Christopher lived and died, I only thought of heaven in abstract terms. Now I can taste it. It’s a place where my son can run and sing with the angels. And when I let myself touch the grief, it’s as if I’m touching a part of God’s heart.

In the days after my son’s diagnosis, I yelled at God, “How do you expect me to watch my only son die!” And when I was quiet enough to listen, I heard Him whisper back: “I understand, because I did it, too.”

That wasn’t an answer. It was a hug that has lasted 11 years.

Today, when I watch my daughters and smile, a part of me simultaneously sighs for the son who isn’t here. But that doesn’t make my life grey. Through that grief, I have learned to love more passionately, and run into God’s arms more readily. And that, I think, is good.

Sheila Wray Gregoire is an author, speaker, columnist and mom in Belleville, Ontario. Visit Sheilawraygregoire.com.

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