In the Hollywood movie, The Perfect Storm, a fishing trawler off the east coast of the Maritimes finds itself in peril when three different weather systems converge into one ultimate or “perfect” storm. The movie is based on a real story – one in which the trawler never made it back to safety.

As a pastor, over the last couple years I have felt as if forces in my life have been converging into their own perfect storm. Like the movie, these forces have threatened to destroy everything that I consider near and dear.

When my wife and I moved to this community eight years ago, there was plenty of energy and vision to go around. I never liked the term burnout, but after eight years of “slogging it out in the trenches’, there seemed little left in terms of energy, vision and love for people.

Another storm system that blew into my life was an increasing sense of mid-life frustrations. Why could I not get my church to grow? Why did God not come through for me like he does for Rick Warren? What is wrong with my leadership? Looking over my ministry accomplishments, I began to seriously question whether the disappointments and frustrations were worth it. What had started as a calling had turned into a job – one that felt less and less rewarding or even enjoyable.

Into this mix came a third powerful force- sexual temptation. Pornographic patterns had always prowled around the edges of my life from my teenage years but for the first time they broke through my defenses with fresh intensity.

Through a series of technological “discoveries” I realized I could view movies in the complete privacy and anonymity of my high speed office. The power and effect of those images created both an adrenaline thrill and sense of despair and desperation I had never known before.

For all the reasons above, the year 2003 was my “Perfect Storm”.

In the middle of this storm I came to realize that I had only two options – sink or fight. By nature I am a pretty dogged person but for the first time I considered leaving vocational ministry. I knew that unless I received some serious help, this would be the inevitable result.

Over a series of six months I began to drive two hours to attend a private counselor, with the full knowledge and support of my wife. In the process I began to wrestle with both the history of my addictive behavior as well as some practical plans that would be necessary for me to break free from the powerful hold pornography had re-gained over my life. I began to wrestle with growth expectations for our church and finding a new acceptance in my own giftings and God’s love.

From my experience these last couple of years I have developed a heart felt concern for pastors who are in their own storms. I especially feel for those in professional ministry who are experiencing the despair of pornographic addictions! I know that it doesn’t help that many of our churches and structures have created an atmosphere of zero tolerance for pastors who act out in this area. Pastors know all too well that their addictions are taking an increasing toll on their life. To admit, however, that they need help within their local church is often not possible. Without seeking help the agony of your spiritual dissonance will only be resolved two ways – you can leave the ministry or firewall yourself into a double life. Both I believe will be a loss for you and the call on your life. As someone still in pastoral ministry, I encourage you to act before that time.

-A fellow struggler

Pastors Anonymous

Pastors Anonymous (P.A) is a Christian Recovery group for present clergy of local churches who are personally dealing with sexual addictions.

Clergy are not immune to the powerful pull of addictions. When you combine the unique pressures on them with their open-ended schedules and computer-oriented workstations, many are finding themselves ensnared.

Some denominations have sought to make confidential counselling available for their clergy but the reality on the ground is that many pastors feel there would be little “grace” if their struggles became known at a local level.

Even with counselling, those who are walking through this valley know that nothing can replace the support and healing that walking with fellow strugglers can bring.

Pastors Anonymous is not an accountability group for the person who experiences the normal temptations of “every man’s battle”. It is for those who are dealing with strongholds of sexual addictions in their life and without intervention realize that they are in very real trouble. Toward this end P.A. meets weekly in the Fraser Valley (BC) and uses the 12 step material common to many of the “Anonymous” groups.

To protect the confidentiality of the group and the safe atmosphere crucial to its meetings, P.A is not an open group.

If you are clergy member, employed by a local church, you can seek permission to join this group by emailing the moderator at pastorsanon@yahoo.ca. If you have further questions as to the format of the group or the assumptions/definitions we operate by you can also email us.

To protect your anonymity we encourage you to first open a web-based email account (without using your name) and send your message from that source.

If you would like counselling support or referrals to other helpful sources, please call the Clergy Care Network at 1.888.5.CLERGY