by Alan Simpson

"The most difficult person to deal with in conflict is me!"

Thus began the one day seminar on "Dealing with Difficult People" (DWDP) in Saskatoon with 30 Christian pastors and leaders. They had come to learn how to deal with those individuals in their lives that cause them to wonder why they stay in the ministry. During the seminar they re-discovered that the only one they can really change or control in conflict is themselves. This is the typical "good news - bad news" scenario. Good news - because through the seminar they were equipped to face themselves in conflict, and bad news - because they still have to go back and face those difficult people.

We all have difficult people in our lives. We cannot change difficult people; we can learn to relate to those difficult people in healthy, biblical and God honouring ways. There are two sides to this same coin: understanding how we approach conflict with difficult people and understanding why some people are more difficult than others.

In one half of the seminar, Geof Cornelsen dealt splendidly with assessing some difficult personality types. He described how we can better understand these types so that we might tailor our approach to reduce negative conflict with them. The other half of the seminar addressed at least three reasons why we have trouble responding redemptively to conflict with difficult people: conflict culture, conflict responses, and conflict training.

One explanation for our trouble in handling conflict with difficult people is that the culture of conflict in the church is often perceived as negative or even considered sinful. In other words, it is believed by many that the church should not have conflict because it is based on love, acceptance, and forgiveness. This negative culture restricts conflict from its redemptive usefulness in our communities of faith (James 1:3).

Where did this negative culture come from? To a large extent many Christians believe that conflict is a result of the fall. However, conflict existed before the fall (between the serpent and Eve in Gen 3:1) and even before creation (in Lucifer's fall). The first broken relationship was between Lucifer and God not Adam and Eve. It is possible that in God's sovereign design 'conflict' is more neutral than negative. By placing conflict in the neutral zone it might sway us to look more closely at how we behave in conflict as an antidote to this negative culture.

Another reason why we have trouble with conflict in the church might be the repetitive unhealthy conflict responses of church members and their leaders. It is not uncommon for church members or leaders to avoid conflict with difficult people until it is too late. The prevailing conflict management style used by Christians is passivity or evasiveness (see Jim Van Yperen's Making Peace). Somehow we think the problem will go away over time. This usually happens when the "difficult person" (or pastor) leaves the church.

When we finally do get around to handling congregational conflict it often results in removing someone from the church. Others might choose to leave one congregation for another down the road only to find that the same problem exists in the new congregation. It followed them because it was them. The opposite response to avoidance is also prevalent once we engage in conflict with difficult people: defensiveness and/or aggression. When we finally get into conflict, we can become antagonistic. Sometimes even the kindest of people can turn into monsters when involved in a church conflict. These unhealthy and often sinful behaviours do not create an atmosphere for redemptive conflict management with difficult people.

A concluding reason that might explain why we have trouble responding redemptively with difficult people is a lack of conflict training. The church is charged with the message of reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5:18) yet how many church members or leaders could define redemptive steps towards reconciling with a difficult person. It is not motivation that prevents us from approaching the subject. Most Christians grieve the pain of being at odds with another brother or sister in Christ. It is the fact that we often do not know what to do in a given conflict situation that gives us the most trouble.

The highest responses to surveys conduced by the Clergy Care Network indicates that dealing with difficult people (conflict management) is a perceived and urgent need amongst church leaders. Whether it is the lack of available training courses at the seminary level or the increase of the complexity of conflict in our culture, Christian leaders want more training in this vital area of ministry. Thankfully, there is a new trend, within evangelical circles, to resource material like Ken Sande (Peacemakers), Jim Van Yperen (Making Peace), Hugh F. Halverstadt (Managing Church Conflict) and the Clergy Care Network DWDP seminars.

On a final note, how we view difficult people, or "the others," will make a difference in how we approach the conflict. Changing our thinking about conflict is the key to transforming our behaviours into more redemptive responses towards so-called "difficult people." Here are three ways to look at conflict with difficult people that might encourage redemptive behaviour:

1. Look inside you: Have an honest look at what you may have contributed to the conflict and take ownership of that contribution. What is it about me that makes this issue a conflict with this difficult person?
2. Look at them: Work hard at listening to understand the other person's view before trying to prove yours. Am I afraid of being convinced that I am wrong?
3. Look at issues: Focus on issues rather than people. What is really at stake here in this conflict? Reputation, integrity, nursery space, or just plain pride?