by Geof Cornelsen

"The most difficult person to deal with in conflict is me!"

"As Go the Leaders, So Goes the Church." That's the title of the first chapter of Peter Scazzero's revolutionary book entitled, The Emotionally Healthy Church. In fact Peter Scazzero has refined that statement even further. He says, as the leader's marriage goes, so goes the church. If you or your husband haven't read this book yet, please stop everything, call Focus on the Family Canada or go to Amazon or your nearest Christian bookstore and buy this book! My colleagues and I, at Focus on the Family, have recently had the privilege of working with Peter on two pastors and spouses gatherings in BC. Peter is gentle and yet firm in reminding us that emotional and spiritual health are inseparable. His thesis is this: you can not be spiritually mature while remaining emotionally immature. This certainly applies to our marriages as well. If one of the individuals in a marriage is emotionally unhealthy, the whole marriage will suffer. Having been a marriage counsellor for over a decade, I have seen this pattern time after time. It's probably not a surprise for you to know that pastors' marriages are not immune from these dynamics. In fact the pressures of ministry often exacerbate any emotionally unhealthy cracks in ministry couples' marriages.

How emotionally/spiritually healthy is your marriage? As a pastor's wife, are you doing most of the work to keep the relationship fresh? Women tend to be more relational and open with their feelings. That is a gift from God to us husbands, but that does not let us off the hook regarding keeping our marriage fresh. This needs to be a true partnership. Many pastors' wives are taking on this load and worse, are believing it is their total responsibility, yet deep inside resentment begins to grow. Leaving this resentment unchecked can help direct a marriage towards the rocks. If the emotional relationship quotient is out of balance in your marriage, in other words, if you are the one doing most of the work to keep communication flowing, then now is the time to do something about it.

Another excellent chapter in Peter's book is about receiving the gift of limits. This has to do with various limitation and boundaries that we can implement to become more spiritually and emotionally healthy. If you're doing all the work, it's time to set some boundaries. If you want to know how to do this effectively, there are some excellent books about this topic. Boundaries and Boundaries in your Marriage, both by Cloud and Townsend are excellent places to start. Of course you're also always welcome to talk to us here at the Clergy Care Network (1.888.5.CLERGY) about ideas and concerns.

God bless you as you continue in your vital role as pastor's wife. I pray both you and your husband will continue to grow in individual and marital emotional and spiritual health!